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THE 

TARANTULA; 

OR, THE 

DANCE OF FOOLS. 



& Satirical &Uor&. 



IN TWO VOLUMES. 



BY THE AUTHOR OF THE « RISING SUN," &c. 

V0L - r - ^&«j~2^^ 



PRINTED FOR J. F. HUGHES, NO. 5, WIGMORE 
STREETj AND NO. \5 } PATERNOSTER-ROW. 

I8O9. 



INVOCATION TO THE CRITICS. 



Critics, or Sat 'rists, ne'er did I arraign 

Your right to vapour over authors slain $ 

Ne'er did I say, it was a cursed shame 

His pages to bespatter, and his fame. 

Guardians of muses, and their hallow' d seat r 

From profanation of unhallowed feet, 

Who keep off vain pretenders with a sharp eyet r 

And would not, for a sop, tell any d d lie : 

I seek not on Parnassus' top to leap, 
Nor climb, with wary steps, the craggy steep y 
Pray, let me quietly wander in the vale 
Beneath, nor blow on me your boist'rous gale. 
Leave me in peace (what every author wishes) "Y 
To fill my shrivell'd chops with loaves and fishes — v 
I ask not much, nor choice am in my dishes. J 
Do not inflame the gentle reader's spirit, 
And rouse him up to damn my want of merit. 
The wise think for themselves 5 but they are few y 
Fools, to seem wise, will always side with you. 
Ah ! do not teach them with disdain to chill 
The tuneful labours of my grey-goose quill.. 
VOL. I, B 



Let me not die, like the presaging swan, 

Chaunting my fun'ral dirge ; nor like that man 

Knight, sir J— n C~rr, whose pretty Scottish tour, 

My Pocket Book has buried ever more : 

No— let me live, and frisk in Tempe's plains, 

Collecting little matters for my pains. 

Do iet the fair sex quietly read my ditty, 

i^nd vow they like it— 'tis so very pretty ! 

Then will you have my thanks, and I — my end 5 

But, ere my work you to the devil send, 

Consider, Sirs, and with the thing be smitten — 

How finely Shakespeare has on mercy written. 

That attribute of Gods— (I humbly speak it) 

Can ne'er disgrace the brow of mighty critic 5 — 

How 'twill my gizzard vex to see the paper, 

On which my wit's expended, light a taper 3 

Or else be us'd for — perish the foul thought ! 

What's that you whisper, Sirs?— "Wemay le bought!" 

I know it well, ye greasy-fisted knaves, 

Ye night-mares of poor authors, — your vile slaves ! 

I'll give nor dinner, wine, nor glass of gin — 

Like Tantalus's be each Critic's chin ! 

Butstay, I'll give— " What, what, Sir? we're not nice. 

Guineas, perhaps?" — No, harpies- -good advice! 

Let gold no longer guide your critic rules, 

Nor prey, like rogues, on carcasses of fools. 



THE 



TARANTULA* 



Grumblerius. — Your father, my young 
Sir, might as well have sent you to me to 
introduce you into Bethlehem Hospital, as 
into the world. — Does he imagine that I 
will become a master of the ceremonies to 
an assembly of fools ? — No, no, young 
man ; you are my nephew ; and, as I 
have never been married, I intend to make 
b 2 



4 THE TARANTULA ; 

you my heir; but I will not dance into 
public, like a bear with a monkey on its 
back, to 

f( Dazzle fools, and set them all agape.* 

Mundungus. — My father, dear Sif, 
presuming on your friendship, and know- 
ing your experience of the world, has 
merely requested that you will give me 
some insight into its beauties and defects; 
which will, perhaps, be of more real 
service than bestowing your fortune on 
me. 

Grumblerius. — I have seen none of its 
beauties, and it would "be an unpleasant 
task to grumble over its defects ; especially 
to a gay youth who, as yet, sees nothing 
but flowers before him. Why, then, 
should I make him anticipate the thorns, 



OR, DANCE 'OF FOOLS. 5 

which he will meet with bat too soon, and 
begloom the only happy portion of human 
life — happy in ignorance? 

Mundurtgus. — I may not be so sanguine 
in my expectations of the world as you, 
Sir, may imagine. — I wish to learn the 
truth, and so far as books 

Grumblerius.— Books ! You might as 
well have raked for the moon in a horse.- 
pond. To know mankind, .you must study 
men themselves. 

Mundungus.—- That^ Sir, is what I would 
wish to do, with a little of your guidance 
at the outset. 

Grumblerius. — Poh ! It will be better 
for you to cut in and shuffle with fools, 
and take your chance in the world. " Odd 
puerulum prcecoci sapieniiu " — I cannot 
endure a child who is a premature man. 



6 THE TARANTULA I 

I shall only tear the veil from your eyes, 
which I almost wish had still remained 
before my own. Had I been contented 
without analysing the follies of others, I 
had not come to the pass of knowing 
myself to be a fool. I advise you to take 
a contrary course, and, thinking yourself 
wise, like the rest of the world, be a fool 
without suspecting it. Take my word for 
it, that the deception will render your 
passage through life much more pleasant* 
To take the world as it goes is the ne plus 
ultra of human wisdom ; and even that, 
Solomon tells us, is folly. 

Mundwigiis. — The ancients feigned, that 
Justice fled from the earth ; do you really 
think that Wisdom has likewise aban- 
doned us? 

Gnimhleriiis* — I can only say that I 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 7 

have never met with her in any human 

being, — not even in the D of 

p 9 Mr. P 1, Mr. C g, 

or any other of our sapient rulers. The 
only glimpse which I have ever been able 
to get of a faint resemblance of her, is 
that consciousness which teaches a man to 
conceal his folly; for, as Sancho Panza 
says, " We are all as God made us, and 
are not obnoxious to ridicule for being 
what we are, but for wishing to pass for 
what we are not." The world is full of 
affectation, and all affectation is folly ; for 
which reason Cicero observes — 

<e Stultorum plena sunt omnia." 

Folly pervades all things. — This is also 
the result of my own experience, and I 
leave it to yourself to determine, whether 
you would press the subject any further. 



8 THE TARANTULA \ 

Mundungus.S'w, I think I should 
profit by your discussion, as I flatter my- 
self with sense enough to distinguish be- 
tween a true or false argument or conclu- 



i 

' sion 



Grumblerius. — Why, there it is. — Every 
fool is tvise in his oxen conceit ; and you, 
yourself, are the first argument in support 
of my doctrine of universal folly. 

Mundungus. — I stand corrected, Sir, 
and hope also to be instructed. 

Grumblerius. — Well, well; if you will 
persevere in extracting my opinion from 
me, remember that it will" be vour own 
fault, if you should be disgusted either 
with the world, Or my description of it. 
I assert, then, that every age, sex, and 
condition, is tinctured with folly 9 more or 
less gross indeed ; and that he who thinks 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 9 

Mm self free from it is the greatest fool of 
all. Volumes might be filled with proofs 
of this assertion ; indeed, history is merely 
a record of them; — but it will be suffi- 
cient for our purposes of conversation to 
take a cursory review of mankind in a 
scale descending. — The ancient fables of 
heroes and demigods I shall notice only to 
instance the gross jolly of those who in- 
vented such chimeras— of those who re- 
ceived them as true,- — and of those who, 
in the present day, consider a memory 
stuffed with them, as the acme of edu- 
cation. The heads of our youth, thus 
early charged with fabulous matter, are 
never to be freed from romantic ideas. 
To how many thousands of pedantic, as 
well as romantic, madmen, would not 
Cervantes have extended his benefit, if, 



10 the tarantula; 

together with Esplandian, Amadis of 
Greece, Don Olivante de Laura, Floris- 
marte, Platir, the twelve peers, and other 
chivalrous worthies, he had made the 
Curate, Master Nicholas, the Barber, and 
Don Quixote's housekeeper, consign to 
the flames the Pantheon, and the infa- 
mous amours of its gods, goddesses, 
heroes, and heroines. Let us now pass 
on to those, not imaginary, rulers of the 
earth, whose adventures are ascertained 
to us by history, and we shall find that 
common sense is not more the prerogative of 
kings and princes, than of other people. 
Alexander the Great was only one of those 
fools whom Horace lashes as — c imitatores, 
servum pecus*. Having made Homer's 
Achilles, phantom or reality, his model, 
Achilles had his friend Patroclus, Alex- 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS* 11 

ander his Hephestion; Achilles piqued 
himself on his swiftness of foot and per- 
sonal valor, so did Alexander; Achilles 
gave a loose to the violence of his passions, 
so did Alexander, Homer gave Achilles 
a divine origin on his maternal side, and 
Alexander defamed his parents, by causing 
himself to be styled the son of Jupiter. 
And yet this son of the mighty thunderer 
was so soft a fool, as to w*eep for more 
worlds to conquer, as a baby cries for 
more toys. Added to these proofs, his 
drunken gambols, the murder of Clytus, 
and the firing of Persepolis, must rank 
him as a fool of the first water. Xerxes 
would have been a most laughable jack- 
pudding, if he had not led more than a 
million of fellow-creatures to the slaugh- 
ter. No commander in chief, not even 



22 THE TARANTULA ; 

in our blessed days, ever made a cam- 
paign with such a seraglio; but, after join- 
ing Asia to Europe by a bridge, and 
scourging the sea for disobedience, he was 
glad to make his escape from a handful 
of enemies in a skiff. It might seem invi- 
dious to draw any parallel betwixt this 
expedition, and a recent one to the Texel! 
Julius Ccemr blubbered like a whipt 
school-boy, at recollecting that he was 
unknown in the world at an age when 
Alexander was both the admiration and 
master of it. Fired with emulation, he 
conquered his country's enemies, and then 
enslaved her. When we add to this base- 
ness the vile means by which he strove to 
maintain his power — by being the husband 
- of every wife, and the wife of every hus- 
band in Rome, we must, at least, set him 



OR, DA¥CE OF FOOLS. 13 

down as a common buffoon. Who can read 
the lives of the subsequent Caesars, (three 
or four excepted) without feeling the ut- 
most contempt for such extravagant fools. 
The unnatural debaucheries of Tiberius, 
in the island of Caprcea; the incests of 
Caligula; his cockle-shell expedition; (to 

be equalled only by those of the D of 

Y :, Sir James P , and General 

W ;) his raising his horse to the 

highest office of state ; (we have seen 
many an ass there y) his infamous wish 
that the people of Rome had but one neck, 
that he might signalize himself by cutting 
them all off at one blow; and his ordering 
himself to be worshipped as a god, till a 
dagger proved his mortality. The stupidity 
of Claudius Nero, the blind cuckold of 
those two infamous wretches, Messalina 



14 THE TARANTULA ; 

and Agrippina ; the former of whom h e 
put to death, and was himself poisoned 
by the latter. The bestialities of Domitius 
Nero, the parricide, fiddler, stage player^ 
and catamite, who finished all by execut- 
ing the hangman's office on himself. The 
avarice of Vespasian^ who taxed even 
urine. The combined lust, cruelty, avarice, 
and scandalous artifices of Commodus 
Antoninusy the gladiator, who fell by the 
contrivance of his mistress, and her favo- 
rite paramour, — I say, the almost unin- 
terrupted succession of such contemptible 
rogues, idiots, monsters, and fools, must 
sufficiently account to us for the licentious- 
ness of the soldiery in putting up the 
empire for sale, and for that corruption 
which produced the decline and fall of the 
.Roman empire. In this country (where 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 15 

may God render fools as scarce as snakes 
in Ireland^ which is very far from being 
the case at present) Canute was fool 
enough to let his courtiers tickle him into 
a belief that the sea would obey his com- 
mands. Edward the Fourth, and Henry 
the Eighth, raised large sums from the 
public, and landed armies in France, 
where the farce ended in ostentatious inter- 
views and tournaments between the rival 
princes, and other such royal follies, — with- 
out the least benefit to the nation, in return 
for their vast expense. The follies of the 
Stuarts deprived them of the English crown, 
and, in the present day, those of the 
Bourbons have, perhaps, for ever severed 
them from those of France and Spain » 
The effeminacy of the Italian princes, 
confiding more in their confessors than 



16 



THE TARAXTULA % 



in the conquering arts of their hardy an- 
cestors, has swept them away like dust 
from the face of the earth; whilst the 
foolish jealousies of the emperors of Austria 
and Russia, and the temporizing folly of 
the King of Prussia, have rendered them 
abject vassals of a once-needy adventurer. 
Add to all these follies, our own foolish 
expeditions, under still more foolish gene- 
rals, to the continent of Europe, the island 
of Ferrol, and Buenos Ayres — and who 
can be astonished that the whole face of 
Europe is changed — that kings have been 
compelled to act as allies with a man whom 
they despised and detested, and by whom 
they had been insulted and trampled upon r 
against their own dearest interests, rela- 
rives, and natural allies — that queens have 
been reduced to stigmatise their husbands, 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 1/ 

and issue as cuckolds and bastards, and 
have been dethroned, after having been 
thus ignominiously treated as egregious 
fools? We most earnestly pray to God 
(with Rabelais) that he will send them 
more sense, and ourselves more money. 
Our only glimpse of hope is, that, as the 
tyrant of Europe is not exempt from 
human follies, he will try at something 
beyond his strength, and be wedged, like 
Milo, in attempting to rive a tree, till he 
perish miserably. Some dust-licking doc- 
tors of a certain foreign university have 
already transplanted him into Orion's belt, 
with which gross flattery the little, vain, 

fool was highly tickled. So that you see 
we have instances of imperial and regal 

folly, even at the present day. 

Mundungus. — I must confess, that you 
vol. i. c 



18 the tarantula; 

have adduced a long train of evidence, 
which, I can conceive, may be extended to 
far greater lengths. 

Grumblerius. — Aye — far beyond what 
you may suppose ; the conduct of some of 
the very best of them will justify the old 
adage of " Birds of a feather foch toge- 
ther ; r as we may gather from historians 
and poets, that kings were so much attached 
to fools, as to have them ever about their 
persons. — One of the greatest, as well as 
justest of the Eastern sovereigns, the 
caliph Haroun Alraschid, maintained a 
fool, named Balahoul, whose business it 
was to divert him. — As familiarity breeds 
contempt, this fool had one day the impu- 
dence to seat himself upon the caliph's 
throne, for which temerity he received a 
very plentiful shower of blows from the 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 1$ 

cane of one of the officers. The fool 
made such a horrible outcry that the 
caliph heard it, and came to enquire the 
cause. When he was informed of the 
vanity of the fool's bum to associate itself 
with that of royalty, he, good humour- 
edly, laughed, and endeavoured to console 
him under his sufferings. " It is not on 
my own account that I weep/' said Bala- 
houl ; ** it is for you I am alarmed ; for if 
I deserve to be so severely handled for 
playing the fool on the throne for only a few 
minutes, what have you to expect, who 
have played the fool therefor more than ten 
years f 

Mundungus. — Well hit, fool! Never 

was a pill better gilt, that is, a keener 

satire conveyed with more humour ! 

Stultitiam simulare loco prudentia summa 

c 2 



20 THE TARANTULA ; 

est. — It is the greatest wisdom to know 
when to play the fool seasonably. — Bala- 
houl deserved a crown for his wit better 
than many of those upstart fools, on whose 
heads many have rained, in the present day, 
without their having ever said or done a 
good thing. I can easily conceive why 
kings are fonder of fools than wise men. — 
Royal ears are very tender organs, and the 
latter mordaci raddent vero grate them 
with stinging truths ; but the former tickle 
them by mixing a sufficiency of oil of fool. 
Besides un homme, qui rit } ne sera jamais 
dangereux — a fool's bolt is soon shot and 
disregarded as harmless ; whereas a wise 
man's arrow is barbed for an opposite rea- 
son. 

Grumblerius. — You are right ! Kings, 
who have been flattered into a belief of 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 21 

their being superior to humanity, cannot 
endure to find themselves inferior to their 
meanest subjects, even in that court- 
neglected article — common sense. No 
wonder, then, that as wise a king as any, 
perhaps, on earth, should have preferred 

the jests of B y R s to the solid 

conversation of a Dr. J n ; or, to de- 
scend from things superlatively great, to 
things comparatively insignificant, that Sir 

W C s should imbibe politics 

from the prattle of his barber, rather than 
from any of his no less loquacious, and 
very little more sensible, brethren of the 

H of C . 

Mundungus. — I think I can guess too 
why Ovid has given asses' ears to Midas. — 
He meant to imply that royal ears not only- 
love to be tickled, but that they prefer 



22 THE TARANTULA ; 

their own braying to all the music in the 
universe. 

Grumblerius. — An ingenious explanation 
truly ; and I begin to think my time will 
not be thrown away upon you. I have 
shown you, by one anecdote, how easy a 
matter it is to tickle a king into a know- 
ledge of his being ajool ; I will now teach 
you, by another, how dangerous a thing it is 
to drub him into a sense of it: — A certain 
king of Portugal was once taught better 
planners, even by one of his own foot sol- 
diers, in a very uncommon manner. The 
story was this :— The soldier, after serving 
the greater part of his life as an artillery- 
man, was discharged as unfit for service. 
The kino; remained in arrears to him for 
six years pay, besides the value of a mule 
which had been pressed from him, in time 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 23 

of war, for the king's service. He set 
forth his claims in a petition to the king 
which he presented himself. After waiting 
some time in fruitless attendance, he pre- 
sented another petition, which the king 
received, and gave to one of his suite. 
However, as this met with the fate of the 
first, he presented a third ; but the king, 
recollecting the man's face, pushed it on 
one side, saying: " Fellow, why do you 
plague me thus with your petitions ?" The 
old soldier was obliged to retire ; but, sullen 
and thoughtful, he thus reasoned with him- 
self: " I have served the king the better 
part of my life — I am now old, and he owes 
me money, — yet he not only refuses to pay 
me, but treats me with contempt ; — / will 
have satisfaction /" Accordingly, he pro- 
vided himself with a trusty cudgel, with 



24 THE TARANTULA ; 

which (Oh, ye Gods !) he was determined 
to dust his majesty's jacket, the next morn- 
ing, as he went out to hunt. With this 
design, he planted himself with the utmost 
composure at the park-gate of the palace of 
Villa Viciosa; and just as his majesty came 
through, he hammered away like a London 
dustman upon his poor jack-ass, and con- 
tinued this uncourtierlike behaviour, till he 
was seized and pinioned. The attendants, 
in their fury, would have instantly dis- 
patched him, if they had not been pre- 
vented by the king, who ordered them tc 
spare his life. The soldier was closely 
confined, and all his acquaintance, friends, 
and relations, were imprisoned, to find out 
who had instigated him to so rash an action 
as that of putting a flea into the ear of 
majesty; but all enquiries proved fruitless, 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 25 

as it did not appear that he had any accom- 
plices, but had acted merely from a prin- 
ciple of taking satisfaction for the kings 
injustice. What became of the poor 
fellow afterwards was never known: but 
the army owed him this piece of service, 
that their arrears were shortly after paid. — 
Whatever disrespect he showed to the 
royal hide, certain it is that no man, not 
even our great and glorious commander-in- 
chief, (whose life may God preserve by 
keeping him at home !) deserved better the 
appellation of — a soldier's friend. 

Mundungus. — A king, who would me- 
rit the appellation of the Father of his 
People, should never shut his ears against 
the complaints of the meanest of his 
subjects.— Nothing tends to conciliate the 
minds of inferiors so forcibly as an affable 



26 THE tarantula; 

and condescending demeanor in their su- 
periors. William the First, Prince of 
Orange, would return the salute of the 
meanest mechanic, and observed to a 
person who condemned so much conde- 
scension, that an honest man's good will 
was cheaply purchased at the small expense 
of a bow. 

Grumblerius. — I allow this to have been 
sound policy in William ; but it will only 
render more glaringly foolish, the oppo- 
site conduct of James the First of Eng- 
land, of pedantic memory. — He who 
made such a ridiculous exclamation against 
the intoxicating qualities of tobacco, loved 
the pleasures of the table to excess ; 
would get princely drunk with his royal 
brother of Denmark, and accept invita- 
tions from his most wealthy subjects. 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 27 

Osborne, if I am not mistaken, records 
the following anecdote of his gratitude and 
politeness. Having received a magnificent 
treat, and thanked his host for his civility, 
he had no sooner reached the porch than 

he let a f to convey to all his courtiers, 

his real sense of his obligation to his kind 
entertainer. 

Mundungus.— Such foolish conduct will 
easily account for the contempt which his 
subjects entertained for him, and for the 
revolution which, in the third following suc- 
cession, deprived his family of the crown. 
Is it not lamentable, that kings do not 
oftener find fiiends wise and bold enough 
to teach them their true interest? 

Grumblerius.— It is so; but their mode 
of education prevents their seeking^ or 
even wishing to find such friends. — 



28 the tarantula; 

Encircled, from their infancy, by parasites 
and self-interested sycophants, modest 
merit will not undergo the drudgery of 
breaking through the phalanx, especially 
when, after all, his services may prove 
disgusting to a mind diseased by prejudices. 
— All Buchanan's precepts had little weight 
against the flatteries of the youthful 
James ; and when he was reproached with 
having made nothing but a pedant of him, 
he justly observed, that it was a wonder 
he had made so much of him. 

Early habits are rarely, if ever, to be 
shaken off; and, as imbecility of intellect 
is utterly incompatible with the firmness 
of real friendship, history affords us no 
instancess of royal favourites, who have 
not been as weak, vicious, foolish, and 
contemptible, as their masters. — Witness 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. QQ 

the Gavestons, de Spensers, Carrs, Mor- 
timers, Bothwells, Buckinghams, in our 
own annals, who either fell sacrifices to a 
change in the royal sentiments, or to the 
vengeance of an insulted people, from 
which their imbecile masters were unable 
to preserve them. — The following jeu 
d' esprit will show the value of royal friend- 
ship ; and that the death of a dear friend 
may even cost a king — a jest, provided 
he be possessed of a more than a common 
portion of regal sensibility: — Louis XIII. 
could never be without a favourite, and 
Cardinal Kichlieu, hated by every one 
about the king, gave him one in the per- 
son of Elliat Cinq Mars, that he might 
have a creature of his own about the 
throne. This youth was no sooner made 
master of the horse, than he wanted 



30 the tarantula; 

to be one of the council ; and the Car- 
dinal, who opposed it, had immediately 
an irreconcileable enemy in him. The 
king, who was disgusted at the minister's 
pride and state, imparted his dislike to his 
favourite, whom he always termed his 
dear friend, and this confidence em- 
boldened Cinq Mars to plot against him. 
He proposed to the king to have him 
assassinated ; but the power of the favo- 
rite growing on the wane, he conceived 
no less a hatred against the king than 
Richlieu. He carried on a correspondence 
with the Duke de Bouillon, and the king's 
brother, and Richlieu's good fortune dis- 
covered the plot and the treaty of the con- 
spirators with pain. Cinq Mars was con- 
victed, and beheaded at Lyons. At the 
hour appointed for his execution, the king 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 31 

pulkd out his watch, and turning to the 
surrounding courtiers, said, with a smile, 
" I fancy our dear friend cuts but a sorry 
figure just now !" 

Mundungus. — What a wretched crea- 
ture is one of those upstarts, expcsed by 
the insolence of his giddy brain to the 
malignant jealousy of his rivals, to the 
caprice of a weak master, and to the con- 
tempt and indignation of a loyal people, 
who scorn to receive even the commands 
of royalty at second-hand ! and what a 
pretty sort of a being to rule others, is 
that king, who is fool enough to put him- 
self out to dry nurse to one of these des- 
picable wretches, and to totter like an in- 
fant in leading strings ! 

Grumblerius. — And yet — these are the 
Lord's annointed, the jure divino men. 



32 THE TARANTULA ; 

the — but you shall hear what titles some 
of them arrogate to themselves. The 
Emperor of the Turks is — Lord of lords, 
king of kings, glorious, great, invincible, 
and even victorious ; disposer of crowns 
to the greatest princes upon earth ; su- 
preme master of both seas, and all coun- 
tries adjacent ; lord of the east and west. — 
The king of Persia is — king of kings ; 
heir of the firmament. — This fellow cer- 
tainly makes a great bounce, but he is 
outdone by the king of Siam, — who is king 
of Heaven and earth, and brother to the 
sun. — The emperor of China is styled — 
Thiencu and Hoamgthi, the son of Hea- 
ven, and lord of the earth. — The empe- 
ror of Abyssinia is — king of kings, and 
the shadow of God spread over the earth. 
— Who, then, can wonder that a young 



OR, t)AXCE OF FOOLS. 33 

prince, generally surrounded by the scum 
of the earth, and taught to believe him- 
self worthy to inherit such titles, merely 
from birth, without any other qualification 
or attainment, should be a fool all his 
days? — How much better would it be, both 
for royal expectants, and their future 
subjects, if the former were habituated to 
hear the truth, as was formerly the custom 
among the Arragonese ? Whoever was 
elected their king, kneeled down, with his 
head uncovered, whilst a magistrate, appoint- 
ed for that purpose, and who kept his hat on 
his head, swore him to observe their laws 
and privileges. After the oath had been 
taken, the people, by the mouth of the 
magistrate, acknowledged him (ov their 
king in the following terms: — " We, wh® 
are as good as you, constitute and appoint 
vol. i. i> 



34 THE TARANTULA.; 

you our king, upon condition that you 
will preserve our privileges and immu- 
nities, and not otherwise." — This was as 
it should be. A king and his people 
should always talk plain language to each 
other, as a good understanding would 
beget such confidence and harmony as 
could be shaken by no external violence. 
We ourselves, although not so impolitic 
as to claim equality with our monarch on 
the very eve of his coronation, never- 
theless compel him to swear, to govern 
the kingdom according to the statutes in 
parliament agreed on, and the laws and 
customs of the same; but, to counter- 
balance this seeming shackle upon royalty, 
some ingenious courtiers have found out 
m many modes of being up with us, by 
making us swear allegiance, supremacy, 



OR. DANCE OF FOOLS. 35 

\ ; 

abjuration, custom-house, excise, income 
and property tax, oaths, besides those of 
the law, that there is not such another 
.swearing pack of fools on the face of the 
globe. A kingj indeed, may break his 
oath with impunity, if his conscience will 
permit him to do so ; but a subject may 
not, without danger of the pillory : which is, 
therefore, one of the distinctions between 
king and subject. The gallows is another 
distinction betwixt king and people ; 
because it would infallibly become a sup- 
porter to any subject, who should be de- 
tected in infringing the royal prerogative 
of cunning. — Indeed, it is very remarkable 
that all nations, civilized as well as savage, 
according to the modern jargon, should 
agree in making their rulers outlaws, or 
above laivf, — a prerogative allowed to none 

D 2 



3(3 THE TARANTULA ,* 

others, but infants, and non compotes men- 
tis. It should seem, however, that this droll 
prerogative has been an essential prop to 
majesty, since a French author, M. Mer- 
cier, tells us, that, in the sixteenth cen- 
tury, an artist had inscribed on a far- 
thing, all the wise kings, whose names had 
been handed down to us, and that there 
was still room left for more ;— perhaps 
a continuation to the present time would 
not fill up the blank space. And another 
author, of the same nation, M. Mar- 
montel, makes the daughter of his Con- 
noisseur to say. that history was not worth 
reading, for the sake of seeing, in ail 
ages, illustrious madmen and rogues, sport- 
ing with a crowd of fools. — Do you re- 
quire any more authorities on this head? 
JMundungus. — None. —But, whence is 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 37 

it so difficult, nay almost, as it appears, 
so impossible, a thing, to convince a mo- 
narch 5 that his true glory is the people's 
honour— his greatness, their protection — 
his safety, their security — his content, their 
ease and happiness .? 

Grumblerius. — You forget that I have 
already attributed it to their mode of edu- 
cation. — Courts are so thronged with j&ara- 
sites, that, should a young prince chance 
to have a good master allotted to him, 
which it is one thousand to one against 
his having, as the office is generally filled 
bv measure of interest, and not of wis- 
dom, their pernicious flattery will choke 
up all his wholesome instructions, as 
weeds will overtop useful herbs. Thus, 
one of the ladies of honor having de- 
manded of Buchanan, with a goggle-eyed 



38 THE TARANTULA; 

mixture of surprize, horror, and indig- 
nation, how he dared to flog the lord's 
anointed? he coolly replied, " Madam, 

I have wipt his a e, it is true, and 

you may now kiss it, if you please." If 
the preceptor, therefore, wishes to do his 
duty, as an honest man, the parasites 
never fail to represent him to the young 
prince as a pedagogue — a monster. They 
render him averse to the labour of scho- 
lastic study, by representing it as useless 
to any body but a country parson, and 
even there, only to a journeyman curate, 
who must keep school to eke out his ways 
and means. They render him averse to 
the solidity of mental treasures, by laying 
down exterior graces, and dignified deport- 
ment, as the essentials of princely acquire- 
ments. Every etourderie, uttered by the 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 39 

young blockhead, is received with feigned 
ecstacy ; every step, although scarcely more 
graceful than the waddle of a goose, is ap- 
plauded as a pattern of ease. At the age 
of twelve or fourteen he is initiated into 
the mystery of double entendre, by gloating 
dames, and glowing maids of honor, and 
taught to believe himself a prodigy of 
wisdom, whilst only the but of as great 
fools as himself, but with a little more 
experience. The heir apparent, therefore, 
instead of making himself acquainted 
with the important events and great men 
recorded in history ; instead of gaining 
an insight into the laws of nations, and 
particularly those of the kingdom which 
he is about to govern, may learn gal- 
lantry, gambling, bottle draining, table - 
clearing, and, as a natural consequence, 



40 the tarantula; 

the art of getting into debt. If he be pos- 
sessed of superior emulation, he will make 
one among jockey dubs, black legs, 
rooks, and pigeons ; drive four in hand, 
and patronize boxing and other elegant 
arts. He will then be deemed an accom- 
plished prince, and will, no doubt, make 
an accomplished king. Nothing more 
is required now a day, as the art of 
government is reduced to head or tail; that 
is, the choice of a minister, as will be 
seen hereafter under its proper head. 
The younger fry, too, will burn to cut a 
figure some how or other, and therefore 
they may qualify themselves by the same 
modes for becoming accomplished generals, 
admirals, and politicians. We cannot* 
however, help smiling at the folly of 
those princely commanders, who seek to 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 4l 

carry the etiquette of courts into the field 
of battle, or upon the quarter-deck of a 
man of war. The only way for a com- 
mander to ensure victory, is to make him- 
self beloved by his soldiers ; and the mode 
of gaining that love is to familiarize him- 
self with them, befriend them, and seem 
pleased with their uncourtly manner of 
expressing and showing their attachment. 
A soldier, or sailor, although pretty much of 
slaves, have very little of the civet of a 
courtier about them, because they never 
can forget that they are men. Nay, so 
very unlike are they to that spaniel-crew^ 
that (strange to tell !) picquetting, cob- 
bing, flogging, and other like gentle 
means of conciliating their affections, have 
had so contrary an effect, that the most 
loyal soldiers in the universe, with impro- 

D 3 



42 THE tarantula; 

per treatment, have become mutinous, and 
one of these princely cat-o'nine-tail com- 
manders owed his life to a retreat without 
beat of drum. Another, who by repeated 
defeats had entirely lost the confidence of 
his soldiers, ordered them to cut off their 
queues, that, in case of future retreats, 
they might not be charged with turning 
tail to the enemy. Flog away, gentlemen ; 
mind the frills of the shirts ; tie on tails, 

or cut them off; make a. d d bustle 

as though you knew something; but a 
word in your ears — It is impossible to dis- 
guise an ass as a war-horse. — One of these 
flogging heroes, who was wisely kept from 
making any more marks of his prowess 
on the backs of his own soldiers, (God 
knows, he never made one on an enemy's!) 
absolutely turned his house into a garrison, 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 43 

paraded his men regularly at meal times, 
examined the frills of their shirts, and 
served out their rations of meat and small 
beer by measure and weight ; which exer- 
cise, with the solace of a French dancer or 
actress, was his sole employment, So 
Dionysius, the tyrant, when he could no 
longer rule over men, became a peda- 
gogue, and flogged little boys!! The art 
of getting into debt may be common to 
them all ; and, if duns should be very 
pressing, and people wearied out, as they 
will be, with repeated begging and extra- 
vagance, they may give proof of their 
honor and honesty, by compounding for 
payment of their debts by installments, 
not to exceed ten or a dozen years. 

Mundungus. — But how will such con- 
duct appear in the eyes of the world ? — - 



44 THE TARANTULA ; 

Princes who have lost their credit and re- 
putation, resemble merchants, who are 
verging on a bankruptcy ; for all men im- 
mediately call in their loyalty and respect 
from the former, as they do their money 
from the latter. 

Grumbler ins. Psha! Princes are too 
enlightened now-a-day, to trouble their 
heads about such vulgar prejudices. 

Mundungus. But composition with cre- 
ditors is a vulgar practice. 

Grumblerius. True, when resorted to 
by vulgar persons; but every act of a 
prince is ennobled, and as remote from 
vulgarity as Brompton is from Kensington, 
or as a man of Kent is from a Kentish 
man. 

Mundungus. Cry you mercy ! I was 
to learn that distinction. 



OB, DAXCE OF FOOLS. 45 

Grumblerius. Then — though the peo- 
ple should have bestowed immense sums 
on these prodigals, who should never have 
troubled their heads about them, but when 
they wanted their assistance ; yet, when- 
ever the people, groaning under their im- 
mense burthens, should in treat to be re- 
lieved from some few unnecessary ones, 
they may shew their gratitude by uniformly 
opposing their wishes. Princes should 
never do anv thing like common men, 
if they w r ould not be suspected of having 
something of humanity in them. Again — 
should the people, on any vast emergency, 
such as the rescue of Europe from the 
fangs of a merciless despot, and universal 
dominionist, deprecate the sending out 
one of these luckless, princely comman- 
ders, at the liead of the brave army, and 



46 THE TARANTULA ; 

sigh for a real commander, who has had 
the art of gaining, and the good fortune of 
preserving, the confidence of the soldiery, 
it would be great to act in direct opposition 
to them, and teach them the folly of wish- 
ing. D n the rogues, what business 

have they to think for themselves. 



a vile submissive train ! 



Fortune's tame fools, and slaves in ev'ry reign.' 

Mundungus, I doubt which would be 
the greatest fcols — princes who could con- 
duct themselves in such a manner, or 
people who would be so abject as tamely to 
submit to it. 

Grumhlerius. I remember once being 
shocked at seeing a sand- man, whose ass, 
ill-fed and overburthened, fainted under 
its load, irritated at being unable to rouze 



CE, DANCE OF FOOLS. 7^ 

it by repeated merciless blows over its 
head as well as crupper, deliberately cut 
off one of its ears. Yet the poor creature 
only mildly looked the reproach of ingra- 
titude at the brute, to whose existence 
he had long administered. Cannot you 
find me a parallel to this in politics? 

Mundungus In France, perhaps, un- 
der the old regime. 

Grumblerius. No doubt, the sandman 
and his ass have been seen in France, as 
well as I myself once saw them in Eng- 
land. But now we will bid adieu to 
kings, princes, sandmen, and asses, and, 
according to our proposed plan of discus- 
sion, descend to — Nobility. 

Mundungus. But you have not said a 
word about queens. 

Grumbler ius. Nor mean I to mention 



48 THE TARANTULA ; 

them, except to advise them not to be 
queans; or, if their temperament be too 
hot for controul, not to boast of their 
shame, and flirt cuckold and bastards in 
the face of their husbands and children. 
People will lose their respect for crowned 
heads, and tails too, if they are known 
to be so frail, which might end in demo- 
cracy — a system that cannot be too much 
deprecated. Let queens play with the 
tail of a whale (de balend, rex habeat 
caput, et regina candam,) or the tail 
of any thing else; but let them never 
meddle with the helm of state, lest they 
disclose their weakness, that is, folly. We 
may boast of a bright instance of female 
forbearance in this respect. But to the 
nobility, and particularly such of them 
as form what is termed the Court, that is, 
bask in the royal sunshine. The rest are„. 



OR, DAKCE OF FOOLS. 4Q 

as it were, in eclipse, longing for the remo- 
val of the chill, interposing planet, which 
causes their darkness. 

Mundungus. This, I take it, is the 
true distinction between the ins and outs, 
about whom so much noise is made. 

Grumblerius. Just so; and the two 
parties resemble the earth and moon, 
which eclipse each other by intercepting 
the rays of the sun, that is, the royal 
favor. In endeavouring to effect this, 
there is so much shifting, shuffling, tricking, 
nicking, shoving, rising, falling, (particularly 
among the females) underhand, backstairs, 
elbow-me-in, andjostle-him-out, work, that 
a courtier has been aptly styled a Proteus. 
The court has been likened to a shop with 
wares in it for all kinds of customers ; 
there is hope for some, who are to be fed 

VOL. I. E 



50 the tarantula; 

at a small expense; there are titles for the 
ambitious; pleasures for the young and 
wanton ; places for the busy ; and bribes*, 
to be closely conveyed, for such as desire 
to maintain an appearance of honesty, 
and betray their trust but now and then in 
important matters. With these baits and 
allurements, princes easily drag into their 
nets the unthinking gentlemen of the 
land, thereby poisoning the fountain head, 
and sapping the foundation of the political 
institution. Besides the planetary system 
already mentioned, the motions of cour- 
tiers have been said to resemble those of a. 
country dance: — 

Von first lead up, then turn about, 

Join hands as tho' they'd, part no more : 

Sinke off' again, turn in, turn out, 
Then stand just as you were before. 

W hilst thus they dance, you may be certain,. 

ihe music plays behind the curtain. 



OR, DANCE / OF FOOLS. 5\ 

Like the sun-flower, court personages 
have their faces turned towards the sun, 
because, to turn tail on majesty would be 
construed into — kiss, &c. an indignity 
never offered to royalty, unless by angry, 
half-starved patriots, and unpensioned 
poets. No automata, therefore, can be 
more regular in their motions in the royal 
presence, which are so uniform that the 
whole might be performed by wooden 
puppets. Their evolutions are exhibited 
with much parade, and numberless trapping, 
to charm and astound the eyes of fools; 
so that a court, on a levee day, resembles 
the platforms before the show-booths in 
Bartholomew fair ; and, like them, too, 
the best of the show is to be seen without, 
and very little but mummery behind the 
curtain.. The progenitors of these worthies* 
E 2 



52 the tarantula; 

may be ranked in three classes — the sons 
of royal illegitimate amours, of steel, and 
of trade. The first class is the highest, 
because the moiety of royal blood, which 
runs through the veins of a king's bastard, 
is supposed to render him more than equal 
to a full-blooded nobleman. The second 
class, or those descended from warriors of 
days of yore, assume the distinction of the 
old nobility, from their being able to trace 
their families back to the iron times of chi- 
valry and crusade. The third class are 
termed the neic nobility, and are regarded 
by the other two classes as mere mush- 
rooms, on account of their having but 
lately emerged from the obscure origins of 
the learned professions, or trade. This 
last class sing very small, until a couple of 
centuries, and a vamped up, purchased, 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 53 

pedigree have thrown a mist over their real 
origins; when they insolently boast of 
their ancient house and honors, and scowl 
contempt on the butterflies, which have 
lately emerged from their crysalite state. 
Nobles, therefore, are caterpillars in their 
origin, crysales in their creation, and but- 
terflies in their maturity. Like the cater- 
pillar host, too, they are extremely vora- 
cious, and very destructive to the possessions 
of the laborious classes, being never to be 
satiated. — You must have observed, when 
garbage is throw r n into a trough, how a 
herd of swine push, shove, nozzle, grunt, 
bite, rub their rumps against, and contend 
with, each other for the tempting fare : 
just so it is with hungry courtiers, scram- 
bling for what they term the loaves and 
Jishes ; that is, the public plunder. And 



54 THE TARANTULA ; 

yet, though the sole dependence of the 
younger branches is entirely on the public, 
from whom they themselves emerged at a 
more or less distant period, they affect to 
be a different species of animals, and 
look down upon their fellow creatures 
(paidon me, nobility, for using such a 
familiar expression !) with as much disdain 
irS a peacock would show in strutting by a 
goose. Their very blood they would have 
believed to be refined, although the hot 
temperament of the pampered females of 
quality, and their excessive itch for gamb- 
ling, with which most of them have been 
innoculated, have entailed the titles and 
estates of their lords on a bastard and 
plebeian progeny of black legs, sharpers, 
prooms, postilions, and footmen. Pride of 
every kind is contemptible, but the pride 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. j5 

of ancestry is the most ridiculous of all, 
since it is wholly fortuitous, and not the 
meed of merit. My lord A. and lady, or 
iniss, B. are to come together, according 
to the mode of people of quality, that is 
to say, without knowing, or concerning 
themselves, whether there be the least 
congeniality of temper. As interest alone 
is consulted, it is not expected that they 
should not detest each other after a short ac- 
quaintance, but the regulations of the beau 
monde (God confound such jargon ! As if 
one part of the creation was more beautiful 
than another !) require that they should 
conceal their bickerings from all the world, 
except their own servants, whose prying 
eyes cannot be always eluded. In order to 
keep the estate in the family, or, in plain 
English, to prevent creditors from laying 



56 the tarantula; 

their profane hands on any part of it, the 
intended bridegroom and bride, or their 
parents, convey the estates to trustees for 
the benefit of the eldest son, (be he a 
booby or not) and charge it with one year's 
value to each of the younger children, be 
they ever so deserving of more* By this 
foolish — one might say, fraudulent, act, 
were it not countenanced by a foolish law. 
they deprive themselves of all judgment as 
to th \ future disposition of their property ; 
confess themselves dead in law, and are, 
in nine cases out of ten, despised for so 
doing by their eldest son, whom they have 
foolishly rendered wholly independent of 
themselves. — But then, the family pride 
is supported! — Yes, and often times too, 
at the expense of the comforts of some 
score honest, industrious tradesmen, who 



OH, DANCE OF FOOLS. 57 

have contributed their stocks to support 
this pride, in hopes of a suitable return. 
Sir Samuel Romilly deserves a monument 
(were it the only meritorious act of his 
life) for his attempt to unfetter these kna- 
vish entails, and make the estates subject 
to the just demands of creditors. But of 
what use can one honest man be among six 
hundred — honourable gentlemen ? — To 
return to the point: my young lord is 
brought up as if he had been sent into the 
world merely for the purpose of vege- 
tating in the family mansion, and succeed- 
ing to the family title and estate. He 
very soon learns to think that this cannot 
happen too soon, and he is approached 
only by sycophants, who feed the peccant 
humours of his disposition. He need not 
trouble himself to learn to read, for he 



58 the tarantula; 

,will be a peer, nor to write, unless his 
name to a frank, or deed of conveyance. 
Thus the title and estates descend through 
a long string of illustrious fools. With 
these plough-boy qualifications, he takes 
his seat in the first assembly in the nation, 
where, as every thing is carried by a majo- 
rity, & fools aye will weigh against a wise 
mans no; and, having no rule of judg- 
ment, or knowledge of national concerns, 
he swims with the stream of absurd preju- 
dice, in which he has been brought up to 
think, that merit is not requisite where 
there is high birth — and supports rever- 
sionary grants, although the execrations of 
a virtuous, and burthened, people pursue 
him for it. But, as Shakespeare says : 

" The night is long that never finds the day.'* 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 5Q 

Well — when this dishonest game of 
family settlements has been played from 
generation to generation, through two or 
three ages, the family is styled, and, as it 
were, ennobled, (if not really so by a royal 
patent) by the term of a good family, or 
an ancient family ; by which latter appella- 
tion, perhaps, is meant one older than 
derived in the common w T ay from Adam 
and Eve. — Risum teneatisf — Talents and 
genius make the real distinction, and all 
else is essence of asses' milk for fools. — A 
king, not the division of a hair from a dri- 
veller, shallconfera title which, byhereditary 
descent, may devolve upon one who is no 
less an ideot than the king who bestowed 
it. Lord, how the multitude of f ools 
gape at this ideot as the work ' of majesty, 
without considering that majesty itself is 



60 THE TARANTULA ; 

only the manufacture of such fools as 
themselves. So did the foolish Israelites 
make to themselves a golden calf, and 
then fell down on their faces and worship- 
ed it. What dotards — But let us have an 
anecdote, which will set this matter in a 
clearer light than volumes written on the 
subject: — A nobleman of Portugal, who 
had risen through his own merit from 
obscurity, happened to fall into company 
with some grandees of ancient families, 
who wished to rail at his infant nobility. 
They therefore turned the discourse on the 
honors derived from their ancestors many 
ages back, whose achievements they ex- 
tolled to the skies. When it came to the 
nobleman's turn to speak, the company 
were ready to burst with laughter, suppo- 
sing he must leave the room overwhelmed 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 6l 

With confusion ; but to their own shame 
and astonishment, he soon turned the 
tables upon them by this manly discourse: 
— C6 My lords, I acknowledge that all of 
you have given a very flattering account 
of the great deeds of your ancestors ; but 
from this I can only gather that the 
honors you enjoy were handed down to 
you by hereditary succession : now, my 
case, thank Heaven, is widely different : 
I have the virtuous satisfaction of saying, 
that I obtained all my honors by my own 
immediate actions, and shall leave my 
successors to boast of them /" 

Mundungus. — But, surely, you do not 
mean to agree that all the young nobility 
are equally ignorant ? 

Grumblerius.— With very few excep- 
tions. 



62 the tarantula; 

Mundungus. — You must, however, 
recollect that there have been such men as 
Buckingham, Lansdowne, 'Lauderdale, 
Rochester, Roscommon, Bolingbroke — 
and have we not at present — 

GrumMerius. — Aye, whom have we at 
present? — Let us see — lord M — o, the 
rhapsodist — lord B — n, the minor — and 
— ami — though not within the pale of 
nobility, Sir John C — r, knight and 
travel-monger. — Rare lists, eh? 

Mundungus. — But as our universities 
swarm with young noblemen, surely some 
of them must bring away a stock of learn- 
ing. 

GrumbUrius. — Pshaw ! — They enter 
themselves at the universities for the name 
of the thing, and because it is the fashion 
—that is all ! Colleges and libraries ! — mens* 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. ' 63 

stuff! — your coffee-houses are the only 
repertories for such as have never learnt, 
or have forgotten Latin and Greek. — The 
magazines afford history, divinity, philo- 
sophy, mathematics, geography, astro- 
nomy, biography, arts, sciences, and 
poetry. — The Reviews form the complete 
critic, without consulting the dry rules of 
iVristotle, Ouintilkm and Bossu ; and 
enable the student to pass his judgment 
on volumes which he never read. — Novels 
supply the place of experience, and give 
lectures of intrigue and gallantry.— 
Occasional Poems diffuse the itch of 
rhyming, and haplessly tempt many young 
fellows with the cacocthesi cribcndi pastoral, 
lyric, or elegiac trash.— -Political Pam- 
phlkts, and Newspapers, give an insight 
into the blunders of the D — of P — , lord 



64 THE tarantula; 

C — r— h, M. P— r— 1, and other cabi- 
net old women, of the present day. As 
there are books adapted to every taste, 
so, also, there are liquors suited to every 
species of reading. Amorous tales may 
be perused over arrack punch and jellies ; 
insipid odes over orgeat or capillaire ; 
politics over coffee ; divinity over port ; 
and bad defences of bad generals, and bad 
ministers, over whipt syllabub I so that 
university learning can no longer be deem- 
ed a dry study. Then the colleges, or 
halls, are far more numerous than we com- 
monly suppose. There are the tennis 
courts, for exercise; the dancing schools, 
vulgarly termed hop-shops, at which lord 
H — P — qualified himself for the chancel- 
lorship of the exchequer ; the billiard tables, 
where the laxcs of motion are exemplified, 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. t)5 

and which afford a supplement to our courses 
of experimental philosophy; the nine-pin 
and skittle alley, where we get an insight 
into geometry, and the centripetal princi- 
ple. Besides, navigation is learnt on the 
Isis or Cam ; Gunnery, by shooting 
pigeons, ducks, pigs, or fowls, on the 
adjacent farms ; horsemanship on hacks ; 
the axis in periirochio, is described in a 
phaeton ; and patience, humility and pru- 
dence, may be learnt on pennyless-bench. 

Mundungus. — This is a degrading pic- 
ture which you make of our young nobi- 
lity. — It must be surcharged. 

Grumblerius. — Take your walk through 
St. James's Street, Bond Street, Hyde 
Park, and look into Tattersall's, and 
youAvill see and hear it all verified. A great 
fortune to a fool is a great misfortune ; but 

VOL. I. F„ 



66 THE TARANTULA ; 

the greatest misfortune of all is to be high- 
born, without possessing any other merit, 
since birth attracts the eyes of all, and 
pleases only when properly accompanied. 
One of these haughty, vain fools, was 
seasonably and severely reproved in the 
following terms : " You are always boast- 
ing," said his acquaintance, " of your 
rank ; instead of which, were you to con- 
ceal it, men would despise you less.'' 

Mundungus. — It is certainly true that 
education makes the man ; and if our 
young nobility are really so destitute of 
learning, as you saj they are- 

Grumbkrius. — I have already informed 
yon in what manner they pass their time in 
the Universities ; I will now explain to you, 
thejr launching into life. A suit of rooms. 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 6*7 

for instance, is to be purchased for about 
seven hundred guineas — 

Mundungits. — Seven hundred guineas 

for three rooms ! 

Grumblerius. — Aye, seven hundred gui- 
neas ! — As a particular favor ; mark, as a 
particular favor ; and if you have the 
money to pay for them, I can introduce 
you to a set in a certain street at the court 
end of the town — where you must pay that 
sum — a mere trifle when you are fully 
acquainted with all its most convenient 
advantages. — A sprig of nobility, for in- 
stance, or a sprout of a cabbage vender, 
c'est la meme chose, if he possess only 
the grand essential, " beaucoup d argent? 
purchases a set here, and his proprie- 
torship is a passport into all the fashionable 
circles. — " Think of that, master Brook ! 
f 2 



68 THE TARANTULA; 

— think of that !" — It was, I believe, origi- 
nally intended as an establishment for M. 
P.'s— as a convenient resort for such mem- 
bers of both houses, if such there were, 
as were unmarried ; or, whose attendance 
to their duties was an object paramount 
to every other consideration ! — Ha ! ha ! 
ha! — members of parliament, indeed! — 
Members of Jockey Clubs ! — Whip Clubs! 
— Cricket Clubs! — Funny Ciubs! — Spout- 
ing ! id est, Debating Clubs ! — Members 
of any thing, save parliament, were the 
occupiers of these fashionable depits. — 
Oh ! how delightful it must be to have 
your dancing master — your maitre a la 
hair trigger — your boxing master — your 
pimp, or delicious carver of delicious titl 
bits, always about you. — What have you toj 
do with books ? — Books, indeed ! what are 






OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 69 

Puffendorf, Montesquieu, Calonne, or 
Neckar? — dry, dull; pedantic stuff! 

Mundungus. — But, my dear Sir ! are 
books never resorted to by them — to open 
— to relax the mind — to 

Grumblerius. — To do what, my young 
friend ? — Why, yes, Ovid's Epistles, Aris- 
totle, and the Woman of Pleasure, are 
resorted to to relax the mind ; and the 
Key, in Chandos Street, is used to open 
it ! I know of no other books, except 
those of a similar tendency, that are in de- 
mand there. Why, what an enviable 
sight it must be to behold one of these 
honorable gentlemen make his exit and his 
entrance from the Temple of Cytherea, 
in, perhaps, Saint Giles's, to the Temple of 
debate in Saint Stephen's ; — how deeply 
impressed his mind must be with the 



70 THE TARANTULA ; 

subject before the house, after the 
scenes he has just left; and it must be 
acknowledged, that the following schools 
are admirably calculated to form the finished 
statesman. — Whites and Boodles teach 
him calculation — the Boxing Schools teach 
him fortitude — the Stables complete him 
in elegance of dress and speech — and the 
Bagnio experiences him in all the vicissi- 
tude?, — I will call it the ups and downs — of 
life, and lets him fully, at the same time, 
into all the shuffling, cutting, cogging, 
painting, patching, intriguing, deceptive 
arts, so indispensably necessary for the 
duties of his station. — How can we fail 
succeeding in every measure of aggran- 
dizement, when we have such pillars as 
these to support the grand fabric of our 
constitution ? — Well may our expeditions 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 71 

be celebrated for their secrecy and unpa- 
ralleled dispatch — well may surrounding 
Nations envy us our military appoint- 
ments, — enviable indeed is our state! — 
It falls to the lot of few powers to be en- 
riched with the thrice-renowned genius 
of a W — el — e ! — with such commanders, 
what have we to fear ? — Fear ? — by the 
great right hand of Achilles! we have 
but to appear in the field, and our dis- 
patches will equal " the Roman in bre- 
vity ;'' — we need only say Feni, Vidi et 
Fugi ! — 

Mundungus. — But, Sir, you will, I 
hope, allow that we have many gallant 
officers in our army, who possess genius 
to plan, and courage to execute any enter- 
prize, however difficult ? 

Grumblerius. — Allow it ? — Yes ; I do 



72 THE tarantula; 

allow it : and it is with shame I see such 
gallant veterans either overlooked, or 
trampled upon by a young red-coated civet, 
Avhose only merit is his full purse ! — What 
must be the feelings of the old soldier, 
who has fought and conquered ere the 
minikin was " mewling and puling in his 
nurse's arms V 9 To be not only treated with 
the most supercilious contempt, but to be 
spurned ; aye, " as you would a stranger- 
cur across your threshold," by this pop- 
pinjay, whose purse, or the smiling inter- 
cession of a fair lady, has thus placed over 
the head of sterling merit! What must be 
the feeling of a veteran private, whilst 
smarting under the cane of such a hero? — 
Will he not, think you, bear a grateful 
recollection of the obligations such acts 
as these have laid him under, if he should 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 73 

ever have an opportunity? — What a 
blow! — such a blow! and so given! — to 
such a soldier ! — u Oh, let it not be said !" 

Mundungus. — But, Grumblerius, is it 
not indispensably necessary, in order to 
maintain strict discipline, that correction 
should be sometimes resorted to ? 

Grumblerius. — What do you mean by 
strict discipline? — I would punish a man 
for* theft, murder, or any act of crimina- 
lity, in proportion to the enormity of the 
offence ; — but I would not strike a man 
across the face, because his hat fell off. — 
Excellent, most excellent, was the follow- 
ing exclamation of a veteran officer to one 
of these Marmozets, on a similar occa- 
sion : " That's right, Sir ! — That's right ! — 
Strike the rascal ! — for you know he dare 
not return the blow !" — No, no, my young 



74 the tarantula; 

man ; whilst such is the hopeful state of 
our military arrangements, hopeless indeed 
is our chance of beholding again the days 
of Cressy, Poictieurs, or Agincourt. — Let 
merit. Sir, head our battalions from the 
Serjeant to the General, and we have no- 
thing to fear ! — Let a noble stimulus be 
held out to our bold Yeomen ; — banish all 
venal contractors from our Army List — 
hoist the glorious standard of Palmam 
qui meruit fer at — and thep my friend — 

<c Come the three corners of the world in arms, 
" And we shall shock them !" — 

But it is not alone in the army that folly 
holds her court ; — no, no ; her votaries are 
numerous as the sands of the sea, and you 
will find — 

Mundungus. — I beg pardon for inter- 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 75 

rupting you, my dear Sir, but really I 
cannot see such cause for censure as you 
do. 

Grmnblerius. — And what is the rea- 
son ? — simply this ; your youthful mind 
can look upon nothing but what you call 
the bright side of the picture — that is, 
the flattering, harlot-like deception which 
folly cloaks herself in — which, because it 
bears a specious appearance, you will not 
give yourself the trouble of investigating, 
nor of drawing aside the veil which preju- 
dice has placed before your eyes ; and 
which would enable yoit to discover this — 

u Goodly apple, rotten at the Core," 

But yet I am not surprized that your belief 
is staggered at my relation; — to a youth, 
emerging into the world, whose only 



75 THE TARANTULA ; 

knowledge of men is derived from books, 
such accounts must appear strange, — You 
have, at school, been accustomed to consi- 
der every description of rank, title, and 
quality, from the monarch to the moun- 
tebank, as they should be, not as they 
are ; for, now, my good Sir, to such a 
pitch of metamorphose are our nobility of 
the present day arrived, that it is the most 
difficult thing in nature to discover the 
peasant from the prince. — Their dresses 
are the same — their addresses are the same ; 
— his grace dresses like a groom, — so does 
the common black leg.— His lordship eats, 
drinks, walks, talks, laughs, and quaffs, 
with pickpockets, sharpers, bruisers, bull- 
baiters, cock- feeders, and cock-fighters, — 
so does the common black leg ; and, in- 
deed, to the very nicest minutiae of compari- 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 77 

son, the one treads so closely on the heels 
of the other " he galls his kibe." I had 
an instance of this, which I will relate to 
you, in a benefit mock - bruising, or 
sparring meeting, of the thrice-renowned 
Daniel Pedrosa : — Curiosity, and a wish to 
" sound the very base string of humility ,*' 
induced me to attend the dinner, — for a 
dinner commenced, and sparring ended, the 
sports of the day. — Little did I imagine 
that one- third of the company was com- 
posed of the sons of right honorables, 
senators, and warriors, — not of the fist, — 
which turned out to be the case : and the 
peer shook the pick-pocket by the hand 
with the mbst cordial familiarity. The 
following is part of the conversation which 
passed between Dutch Slang and the right 
honorable lord Quick-sight : 



78 THE TARANTULA ; 

L. Q.— Well, my boy, how stands the 
clirtkum on Gregson in the last battle— 
eh? 

D. S. — D--mn — ly punished, there, by 
G-d! my — lord in for two hundred, bl-st 
me! 

L. Q. — I was also hard hit ; — received a 
body pop in that business — cross buttock- 
ed for a thousand — but can't you flash the 
biter ? 

D. ^. —Can't bubble the twaddler there ; 
no, bl-st me ! nicked Old Easy on the 
Chicken-lay before; must come the go 
here, — or smash 

L. Q. — D nat— n unfortunate that ; 

for I have none of the ready — however, a 
seat in the house secures me from the 
soap and candle concern : only it has too 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 79 

much in the flash (if I cut this) to raise ■ 
a bite a second time * * # * * 

Here my attention was called off by the 
entrance of a bailiff and his follower, who 
instantly seized the great hero of the fist 
— the redoubtable Dan — and were bearing 
him away to " durance vile" for a paltry 
debt of twenty pounds ! — the great father 
of bruisers, black-legs^ and black-guards, 
to be arrested for twenty pounds ! — The 
thought was shocking to humanity ! so — 
the above noble lord taking a hat, and ad- 
dressing his honorable associates, in their 
language, tossed a guinea into it, and sent 
it round the table; — every one followed 
the example, though they would refuse 
to relieve the woes of a famished wretch, 
expiring in the street, with a shilling; no 
one on this occasion refused his guinea !— 



80 the tarantula; 

The consequence was, the hero was in an 
instant discharged — the bailiffs kicked out 
— and fifty guineas remained after the 
release. — But mark ! out of this the know- 
ing ones who were in the secret received 
back their subscription — amongst whom 
ranked his lordship, who had so neatly 
bubbled the poor wide-mouthed, full-sapt, 
flats or fools — who knew not that the 
arrest was a sham one. — Dan did not owe 
a guinea to any man — because no man 
would trust him one! I was one of the 
fools who purchased the secret at the price 
of one pound one shilling ; and I fancy it 
was* better than giving to a physician, who 
would only have hummed and had over my 
pulse, without being able to tell me the na- 
ture of my disease. — Now these physicians 
not only convinced me I was troubled with 



OR ; DANCE OF FOOLS. £1 

a redundancy — not of bile — but of folly ; 
but they applied an effectual remedy, at 
least pro tempore. 

Mundungus. — Infamous degradation ! — 
What a shameless prostitution of all they 
owe to noble ancestry does not such ac- 
counts as these exhibit ? — My dear Grum- 
blerius, I am here a convert to your 
lash of follies (to call them by no worse 
name) that I own I did not think existed. 
But I hope such instances are not gene- 
ral ; if they are, how would the forefa- 
thers of this degenerate stock blush for 
their actions could they witness them? — 
But was not the father of the nobleman, 
whose name you have just mentioned, 
one of the greatest statesmen of the last 
reign ? — Was he not one of the principal 
pillars of Whiggism ? 

VOL. I. / G 



82 THE TARANTULA} 

Gnimblerkis.' — He was so; — and your 
last question brines to my recollection an 
anecdote relating to Whiggism- which you 
shall hear. — Having occasion to wait upon 
my lord Buzzard on business of a very 
urgent nature^ in which his lordship was 
materially interested, I could not help' 
feeling, on approaching the door, a sensa- 
tion of esteem, respect, and awe^ when 
I cal'ed to mind the brilliant senatorial 
talents of the father; and the heroic 
achievements of the grandfather. — On 
"""knocking at the door, I was informed, by 
the servant — as I then understood him — - 
that his lordship was out, in attendance 
as a member of the Whig club— of which, 
on enquiry, I discovered he was one of 
the principal supporters, — This information 
increased, if possible, the esteem I che- 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 83 

risbed for his exalted name. " Ah V s - said I to 
myself, " this is, indeed, a youth worthy of 
representing the successful defender of his 
country, both in the field and cabinet — this 
is, indeed, a model, — ye youths! worthy 
of imitation. — Instead of wasting his 
health and strength in the lap of riotous 
dissipation, behold him boldly contending 
for the grand palladium of our happiness, 
as a nation, and fearlessly endeavouring to 
stem the overwhelming power of a Tory 
faction." — I had scarcey uttered this, 
before an equipage, driving into the 
square, attracted my attention from the sin- 
gularity of dress and appearance en tout 
of the coachman. — He wore a hat of 
scarcely three inches depth in the crown, 
with a brim of equal breadth, — a lounging 
drab great coat, in which was stuck an 

G 2 



84 the tarantula; 

enormous bouquet, — breeches which ex- 
tended far below the calf of his leg, at 
the extremity of which dangled sixteen 
strings ; and boots, if boots they could be 
called " which shape had none/' met 
them with shrinking reluctance, — a cravat 
a la Jehu completed the dress of the man 
whose employer's caprice I thought had 
thus transformed into so pitiable a state, 
and I felt hurt on being informed, by the 
servant, that it was his lordships carriage 
that was driving in, — However, thought I, 
not wishing to spoil the pleasant picture 
I had lately indulged in, 'tis perhaps — < 
'tis perhaps a sacrifice to the fashionable 
whim .of his lady ;- — but what were my sensa- 
tions on discovering that this non-descript, 
this rankest compound of affected puppyism 
that ever offended decency, was, — by the 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 85 

unblushing front of shame, Sir! — the 
right honorable Lord Buzzard himself! 
Yes, Sir, the man whom busy fancy had 
the instant before placed in my view 
weilding the strong and irresistible argu- 
ments of truth and conviction in support 
of Magna Chart a — I now beheld weild- 
Ing — what? — the strong and irresistible 
arguments of a long whip, and a set of 
reins over an animal a thousand times more 
noble than himself, — ; < Is this," I exclaimed, 
passionately, "■ is this the son of the cool 
reasoner, the subtle querist, the dignified, 
finished statesman? — Is this the grandson 
of the man w 7 hose name alone was a tower 
of strength against our foes" — Is this the 
leader, the support of the Whig club?" — 
Further enquiry, however, convinced me 
that I had misunderstood the servant with 



$6 the tarantula; 

a vengeance — It was the leader of the 
whip club, a society, I found afterwards* 
formed of all the fools and madmen in 
town and country, whose greatest ambi- 
tion was to be reckoned a deep dab at the 
dice box, a knowing boy at billiards, a 
backer of bruisers, a sly cock at crim. con. 
and a patron of every vice and folly to be 
found in the character of a dasher, or, 
more correctly speaking, in the annals 
of what is termed a sporting calendar ! — ■ 
After waiting some time*. I was ushered 
into the room, where I found him sur- 
rounded by several of his companions, 
similarly habited, and whose language, 
during the short time I staid* was cor- 
responding with their dress ; — a mixture of 
coarseness and insipidity, interlarded with 
horse -jockey terms* was conspicuous 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 87 

throughout th£ group, whose ignorance, 
Vanity, and self- conceited folly, appeared 
to reign triumphant ;— well, thought I, 

* € A skipping, dancing, worthless, tribe ye are ! 

'* Fit only for yourselves, ye herd together ; 

iC And when the circling glass warms your vain hearts* 

* c You talk of beauties that you never saw, 

" And fancy raptures that you never felt.'* 

Rowe. 

But whilst I am shewing you the glaring 
follies of our youthful nobility, of the 
present day, it may not be amiss to take a 
view of what I shall call a modern system 
of tour making. — Formerly, curiosity 
would whisper to our noble youths, stimu- 
lated by a theoretical view of nature, whilst 
immured within the close-pent walls of a 
•college — this description is but a daub ! 



83 THE TARANTULA ; 

but a mere water colour — nature disowns 
such a portrait ; — to be convinced, see it 
yourself; — then, our youths had an impulse 
worthy the object in view ; — then we look- 
ed forward to their return to explanations 
of doubts — to confirmations of opinion— 
and we were rarely disappointed; — now, 
Sir, a dasher, or what is synonymous, a 
young man of family, of the present day, 
makes, for instance, the tour of Wales ; — 
his first letters teem with what? — of course 
a descriptive view of the beauties which 
have met his eye in each day's progress. Lord 
bless you ! — he writes to say, that Snarler 
and Sloven are both lame in th£off foot ; — 
that Drowsy refused the whip three times 

up the hills of , and that, as for 

Miss Slim (for he drives four) she was 
knocked up the second stage ; and that 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 89 

if he cannot drive four in hand ten miles 
at a burst, he would not give a d — n for 
all the views in Christendom ; — and this is 
another of our " hopes of the land!''' — - 
This is — but I had forgotten his partner, 
or companion, for etiquette obliges him to 
have one — this convenient jackall to an ig- 
noble master — this pleasant pander to his 
vices — is found indispensably necessary — - 
for he not only fills up the vacant seat in 
the vehicle — no unimportant matter, let 
me tell you — but he fills up a far more 
agreeable vacuity, — he can pimp, on occa- 
sion, with the dexterity of a Sir Pandariis — 
and procure a petite file cle joye, with as 
much ease and nonchalence as he can 
squeeze a lemon into a bowl of punch — 
and yet this convenient piece of travelling 
furniture is a degraded sprig of divinity — - 



QO the tarantula; 

aye, indeed ! — the younger son of a very 
great — very poor — man, who, having no 
fortune to leave him, (as even competency 
taken from the necessary provision requi- 
site to keep up the family name cannot be 
spared to the youngest of seven children) 
sends him to college, after the usual proba- 
tion at a public school, where, if he has 
not the good fortune to spunge himself in- 
to the notice of, if not a nobler, at least a 
richer sprig, his dernier resort is to fasten 
himself, leech lilie, upon one of that de- 
scription at college — to pry into his secrets 
— to worm into his affairs — to do all his 
dirty work — and to receive what ? — Does 
not your mouth instinctively open ? — Does 
not your empty hand clench involuntarily? 
—Why, a good fat benefice ! — Oh, Mun- 



©R, DAXCE OF FOOLS. Ql 

{lungus! think of six hundred pounds a 



year ! 



" I often wish that I had clear, 

<f For life, six hundred pounds a year !" 

Swift. 

The sound, the very sound alone, 
breathes comfort ! What might not be 
purchased with six hundred pounds a year? 
Man dun gits. — Yet to purchase it at this 
expense, my friend, — no, by my soul ! if 
this is to be the price of my stipulated 
ladder of advancement, — I will still wear 
my thread -bare coat, and wear it proudly ; 
— and when envious Time has compelled it 
to " shiver in the wind'— I will e'en patch 
it myself, — if want compels me to borrow 
a needle and thread. 



52 THE TARANTULA % 

Grumblerius. — Come, I see I have 
roused the game ; — but this is not all — for, 
on his return, — he must, forsooth, publish 
his travels, and the town is pestered with 
his stale lucubrations — the only merits of 
which are, the paper, the engravings, the 
margin, and the binding ; yet not a book- 
seller's shop window but exhibits the lame, 
common-place, and unlettered, effusions 
of this dishonourable honourable ! 

To bind such trash in vellum chaste. 

Would be a grievous sin 5 
'Tvvere better far to have them done 

In good tough ass's skin. 

Mundungus. — That man must, indeed, 
be a fool, who will have the boldness to 
set up for an author, without a sufficient 
stock of learning. 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. g3 

Grumblerius. — Learning ! Lumber you 
mean, — literary lumber. No young man 
of fashion will be at the pains of lay- 
ing in a stock of it at present, at 
the expense of wading through the 
deep, hollow, tedious, gloomy road of 
the classics, when there is so much 
shorter a cut to it by skipping away to Tat- 
tersall's, Hanover Square concerts, the 
Opera house; the various exhibitions of 
pictures, and other fashionable places of 
resort. A thorough acquaintance with 
these, and the terms used by painters, joc- 
kies, and musicians ; the habit of a groom ; 
3 moderate reading in Taplin's farriery, 
Blaine's diseases of dogs and horses, and 
a pair of hair-trigger pistols, are the whole 
stock of learning — the ne plus ultra of the 
education of nine-tenths of our nobility 



§4 THE TARANTULA ; 

and gentry. If the remaining one-tenth 
should happen to have a scholastic edu- 
cation, it is because they were younger 
brothers, who were sent to the university 
in the idea of having only small fortunes ; 
but who have since succeeded to the family 
estates by the deaths of the heirs apparent* 
As to the first born, they are almost inva- 
riably trained up in ignorance, idleness,. 
and vice ; and their whole stock of sci- 
ence consists of a jargon of 100 or 150 
slang terms applied in defiance of common 
sense, and supported with uncommon 
effrontery. Such accomplished fellows are 
the rising generation, who are to support 
the honors of nobility, and therefore it 
will not be a matter of astonishment if it 
should get into disgrace with men of sense. 
But, with the reader's leave, we will tell 



OR, DANCE OF FOOI S. 95 

him a story of one of these accomplished 
fellows, founded on fact. — 

THE 

NOBLE AMATEUR; 

OK, 

How to make a little Science go a great way. 

A noble youth, who lov'd much better pleasure 
Than dry, dull, philosophic rules ; 

Had gather' d little of the ancient treasure— 
We mean those authors read at schools ; 
Yet he knew how to puzzle fools, 

And wise men too ; for he'd, at finger's end, 
Latin and Greek quotations oat of number 5 

Which, right or wrong, he'd to his purpose bend, 
Altho' he scarcely knew the case from gender. 

No matter — it went off — he was a lord, 
(And that alone for most folks is enough) 

Besides, of learning savour'd ev'ry word, 
With Aristotle's rules he'd stuff 
His hearers, as his nose with snuff. 



96 THE tarantula; 

He would be thought a poet,, (help his brain !) 
And have the credit liberties of taking, 

With the nine sisters, coy as Dian's train — 

Soshow'dsome verses,~which he paid for making. 

A critic — dilettante — virtuoso— 
And amateur— -the terms of art 

He splutter'd out, as if no person knew sq 
Much as himself—'twas all by heart- 
To place 'em right the puzzling part. 

" Tom/' cried his father, " what a noise you make 
" About your science— very much I doubt it— '* 

<( You're right, Sir ; those, who credit it, mistake, 
" But then, you see,— I do as well without it /5> 

One night his father to a nnm'rous party 
A conceit gave—Tom took a part, 

Shaking his elbow, as a fiddler hearty : — 
(< Bravissimo, my lord ! — encore !" 
The audience cried,— and many swore 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 97 

My lord a finer bow drew than the best :™ 

" Did you not hear/' said they," how he ran o'er 

" Passages most difficult to be exprest ? 
So sweet a play'r ne'er was heard before !" 

' ' Well," said his father, when the comp'ny gone, 
" You're skilled, I'm told^in tweedle— twiddle :, 

<( From one t'another science how you run, 
i( To me this matter's quite a riddle 5 
" I never saw you with a fiddle.— 

" How did you learn ?" — " Sir I can't play a note 5 
fe Nor e'er of music did the gamut know." 

" Why, how the devil then— what ! play by rote?" 
" Lord, Sir, why can'tyou guess }~Igreasdmy bow !" 

Another of these noble connoisseurs, 
however, did not come off so cleanly in 
one of his flights. Having for more than 
an hour pestered the late Mr. Barry, whilst 
he was painting in the room of the society 

vol. 1. h 



£8 THE TARANTULA J 

of arts in the Adelphi, he, at length, 
took the liberty to criticise some part of 
the performance. Barry, with the utmost 
coolness and contempt, dipped a pound 
brush in the paint pot, and drew it across 
the virtuoso's mouth, saying: " I perceive, 
Sir^ that you are a man of taste T 

And yet these accomplished gentlemen 
are the leeches who are to suck the best 
blood of England; — it is for the ostenta- 
tious vanity and jealousy of these men, 
that the recreation of Englishmen has 
been curtailed, and almost annihilated by 
debarring them from killing from a phea- 
sant to a woodcock and snipe, and that 
they are debarred from carrying a gun, 
unless, forsooth, to defend the overgrown 
possessions of their indolent, depreciated, 
oppressors; — it is for such men that we 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 99 

suffer privation of money, amusement, 
and every thing worth an Englishman's 
having, merely to feed a horde of army 
agents, government contractors, loan job- 
bers, excise men, &c. whilst all petitions 
from the harassed nation to prevent rever- 
sionary grants in favor of these public- 
spirited worthies, are rejected with con- 
tempt by a combination of men who are 
in the enjoyment of them, and who are, 
consequently, propria causa judices — 
judges in their own cause. It has been 
supposed, that the writings of Rousseau, 
Voltaire, and other French philosophers, 
were the volcanic matter which caused 
that dreadful eruption — the late revolution. 
But no; it was the pride, the arrogance, 
imd oppression of the nobility, which was 
apparent from their universal expulsion, 
* h 2 



100 THE TARANTULA ; 

or emigration, if that term is less grating 
to the ears of nobility. It was an awful 
example from which our own nobility 
might and ought to profit ; but they are 
fools whom one may despair of ever 
seeing reclaimed, since, if they did not 
wear the garb of their groom, talk the same 
stable talk, swear the same oaths, use the 
like gestures., and appear together on the 
same dicky, they would have some other 
folly equally preposterous. One instance, 
for all, will sufficiently prove their degene- . 
racy. At a period the most alarming, 
and yet the proudest that ever these king- 
doms experienced, since our existence as 
a free nation (without which it were better 
not to exist at all) was threatened, and the 
threat drew forth such a blaze of British 
plebeian patriotism as made the threatener 



OH, DAXCE OF FOOLS. 101 

hide his diminished head : — at such an 
eventful crisis, our nobility might very 
well have passed for a genus of the species 
of dormice, if they had not convinced us 
of their being awake, by forming a com- 
mittee for superintending the affairs of the 
Opera House ; or, in plain English, an 
importation of Italian, Spanish, a ad 

French, rogues, iv s and spies. — Nay, 

to insult the very people to whom they 
owed protection in their overgrown estates, 
they raised a subscription for a similar inno- 
cent place of recreation in Argvle Street, 
whence their brave defenders were to be 
excluded, as beings of a different specie's. 
Be it allowed that we are so — it is for us 
the proudest of distinctions. Most of the 
brute creation are endued with gratitude — ■ 



102 the tarantula; 

we know who have not the least spark of 
it. 

Mundungus. — But what say you to our 
female nobility? — I trust that your judg- 
ment of them will be less severe, 

Grumklerius. — The judgment which has 
been so often of late passed in the Courts 
of King's Bench, Common Pleas, and 
Doctor's Commons, will speak for them, 
and be a sufficiently severe censure on their 
folly in so often exposing their adulterous 
gambols before the public. But what else 
can be expected from their mode of educa- 
cation, if education it can be called ? The 
mother thinks that to be sick and dis- 
figured during nine months, and to be 
confined a month or six weeks after, so 
immense a sacrifice that the child is from 
its birth abandoned to a foster mother; 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 103 

next to nursery maids, and then sent to a 
boarding school under English and French 
teachers, mostly of lax morals. Here she 
is taught to read badly, write and spell 
worse, and drawl out a tune accompanied 
by herself on the piano ; — but the chief 
article is to acquire the graces, — that \% % 
to dance in such luxurious attitudes, as if 
they were eastern dancing girls, who were 
to live by the prostitution of their persons. 
Indeed, nine out of ten of their marriages 
ar§ little better. Miss returns from school 
almost as ignorant as she went thither, 
but woefully changed in manners and 
person. Her natural modesty has given 
way to a pert, presuming, self-conceit; 
her mind is stored with Mary Woolstone- 
erafVs lubricous lucubrations ; and, as the 
ruddy hue of trie rose and i' embonpoint 



104 THE TARANTULA ; 

are regarded as unfashionable, she has ac- 
quired a death-like paleness by sucking 
lemons, drinking vinegar, and abstaining 
from the most nutritious viands, thereby 
laying in a stock of future disease. Her 
polish is now to begin ; and, after innume- 
rable private lessons from mamma, on 
female Machiavelism, Miss is introduced 
to a particular friend or two, and so on, 
till the number is increased to a select 
party. The time draws near for pub- 
lishing her — that is, introducing her at 
court, where, her charms being quite new, 
mamma presages the most happy success 
— not in her daughter's future happiness 
— but in her own, who is likely to get rid 
of a formidable rival, as daughters are 
always considered at that age by pleasure- 
loving mothers. But ibr further security, 



OR, DAXCE OF FOOLS. 105 

the publishers of the newspapers are 
bribed to announce the first introduction 
of the divine lady Wish ;ort, by her no 
less divine mother, whose bloom of youth 
might have causd her to be taken for her 
daughter's sister. Then, if mamma has 
any design for her daughter on the male 
heir of any particular family, the editor, 
who, perhaps, was never at a levee, or 
drawing room, in his life, remarks, that 
that young nobleman was seen to cast many 
a sheep's eye at the young lady, which is a 
hint at match-making. Miss, after having 
thus practised all the mummery of haut 
ton breeding, as a filly goes through her 
paces of the menage, and been introduced 
at court for the inspection of the vouno; 
fools of the other sex, is considered as 
exposed to the hammer, and open to any 



100 the tarantula; 

bidding ; bat she is taught that it would 
be sacrilege to suffer her feelings to be 
interested, or to consult any thing but the 
family interest, As the other sex proceeds 
on the same footing, nothing can be more 
equal. The parties are offered to each 
other, as horses are sometimes put up for 
sale — with all defects and blemishes. 

" Ah ! sure such pairs were never seen, 
" So justly form'd to meet by nature !" 

Miss can dip a courtsey, and lisp a few 
common-place observations, like a par- 
rot: Master can fling a nod, and converse 
withMissnearlyupcn par. But those whoare 
not fools of fashion, will see and read, with 
pity and contempt, that Nature, the author, 
had produced a beauteous work, which had 
been so defaced and disfigured by Art. the 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 107 

publisher, that, as Shakespeare has been 
used by his commentators and annotators, 
and Dr. Johnson by his biographers, 
scarcely a fragment cf the original is to 
be seen through the spurious patch work. 
— What, therefore, can be expected from 
husbands, who, as bachelors, did not 
know how to take care of themselves, and 
from wives, who have been taught only 
the arts of ensnaring husbands, and who 
consequently, are beneath their lessons 
when they have gained them. — Left to 
their unruly passions, without any plan 
for their government, they are irresolute, 
weak, and too often vicious. Hence, 
there are not wanting couples in high life, 
who, when satiated with each other, have 
mutually agreed to seek their pleasure 
elsewhere, and, so far from thwarting, to 



i08 the tarantula; 

pimp for each other ; hence, we may still 
see a husband who will be content to be 
a cypher, and leave the honors of the 
house to be supported by his lady, which 
she dexterously effects by means of play- 
tables, and converting the inmost recesses 
of the house into a stew, where losing 
females pay winning males, not in cash but 
ecstaeies, void of all blush and fear, 
because unseeing and unseen. Hence, also, 
we have heard of nobles, who, having 
caught their ribs tripping, have compro- 
mised matters with the paramour, and, for 
a round sum, permitted him to continue to 
amuse .himself; — hence — but we should 
never have done if we ran through all the 
catalogue of the consequences of fashion- 
able unions, and, therefore, let us come 
to the end of them— namely, divorce. It 



OR, BANCS OF FOOLS. IO9 

must certainly be no small consolation to 
them that they possess this advantage over 
most plebeians, who cannot afford to pay 
for it. My lord has immediate recourse 
to his proctor, whilst the middling classes 
must bear their burdens till nature 
kindly frees them from their clogs. A 
West-country clown, indeed, once divor- 
ced himself by stratagem, and we will 
have the story by way of a little relaxa- 
tion. 

THE DIVORCE ; 

OR, 

How to get rid of a tippling Wife. 

In Western county liv'd a clown, 

A rude, unpolish'd fellow 5 
Whose wife (perhaps her cares to drown) 

Was always getting mellow. 



110 THE tarantula; 

John, who from sun -rise to sun-set 
Was delving, o; was digging; 

Enough for victuals scarce could get, 
Much less for ale-house swigging. 

Twelve shillings weekly was his store — 
'Tvvas devilish close beard shaving; 

But when half went for liquor score, 
Poor fellow ! he was raving. 

His clothes were bare, his visage pale 3 — 
Dame didn't care a farthings 

She'd rather than want good fat ale 
See twenty husbands starving. 

Hard case for John ! who all day toifd., 
Nor evening spent in clover -, 

Who found at home nor roast, nor boii'd 3 
But dame full half seas over. 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. Hi 

He gentle means, and rough ones, tried-— 

But vain was love or anger -, 
Her heart thus hard, he thought her hide 

Might softer be— he bang'd her. 

Both methods fail'd — the tongue and stick- 
Some other must be taken j 

He hit at last on a shrewd trick 
To smoke his deary's bacon. 

One ev'ning, to Dame's great surprize. 

Who was in usual pickle, 
John reeling came— a I'm drunk! " he cries-— 

These words her ears did tickle. 

" Lard, John !" cries she, " I be main glad 

" To zee thee'st done wi'thinking • 
" Till now I always thought thee mad 

" To vind vault wi' my drinking. 

" Zoon as thee dost the pleasure vind, 

" " Good ale thee'lt take delight in -, 

4( We both shall be in the same mind 

" No quarrelling, nor vighting. 



112 THE TARANTULA; 

Joan now kiss'd John with greatest glee,, 

And straightway fetch'd a flaggon $ 
So tipsy got, she scarce could see 

A horse from broad-wheel waggon. 

Now was John's time :--- " Ah ! Deame," quoth he, 
" Thee know'st not what I'm thinking." 

" Laird ! John, how should I ?" — " Well, thee'ltzee, 
" I ben't for nothing drinking. 

" I'm going to make myzel away, 

" Into the river pop me." 
" Laird ! John '" : — " 'Tis true as I do zay,, 

" So doan't thee go to stop me." 

" I won't, John, 'tis your own affair, 

n And if zo be you're willing ; 
u None have a right to interfere 

*< To keep one from zelf killing." 

€t Thank ye, good Deame, vor vavors past, 

<( And now we part vorever \ 
" Do let me beg thee'lt zee the last 

<{ Of poor I in the river. 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 113 

* "WV all my heart"— They both set out 

To where the water deepest 5 
And artful John look'd all about 

To see where bank w r as steepest. 

" Well, good b'ye, Deame !" — "Then thee wiltgo ?"— 
•* I wull," quoth John, " most surely j; 
** But lest I zuffer long, pray do 
" Tie both my hands zecurely." 

" Rather than zee thee z offering 

" Like drowning pups or martyrs ; 
" I'll help thee, John, to any thing — 

" Here take one of my garters. '* 

When she had tied his hands as tight 

As e'er her strength would let her, 
Quoth John, "I leave this world to night." — 

" Ah, John, thee'ltvind a better./' 

" But yet, Deame, 'tis an awkward thing, 

" Eternity to rush in 5 
ie Do thee go back, and wi' a spring," 

** Gi' I a zudden push in." 
VOL. I. I 



114 the tarantuxa; 

" I wiill, John — any thing I can — '} 

She went, and came on jumping y 
John stepp'd aside, and on Deame ran,— 

The river shefell plump in. 

u Help ! help ! good John ?"--- she sprawling cried— 
" For Lard's sake, help !-^-I'm sinking !" 

(i I can't," quoth John, f( my hands are tied— 
<( Zo take thy vill o' drinking." 

Mundungus. — Ha! ha! ha! John's wit 
served him as well as any proctor, whose 
assistance was unattainable in his situation. 
The laws of divorce are, undoubtedly* 
very unequal ; but to proceed. 

Grumblerius. — Well— at this rate w6 
see fools, prudes, coquettes, gamesters 
idlers, talkers of nonsense and scandal, 
-intriguers, &c. forced to couple with each 
other, or else to remain single, as, itt 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 115 

their eyes, no sin is so heinous as that of 
matching without their own circle. The 
game of settlement is played over again ; all 
the family estate is entailed on the firstborn 
fool, and all the sinecure places and pen- 
sions of the kingdom, numberless as they 
are, (the Red Book being little more than 
an abstract of them) will not suffice the 
younger fry of nobility. How then can 
wefooluhly denominate them useless, when 
they keep the aristocracy from impove- 
rishing their fortunes by providing for 
younger children, and keep in repair the 
middle prop of our glorious constitution f 
What are our sufferings compared with 
their splendor — what the sweat of our 
brows set against the enamel on their 
faces ? — What our privations to their en- 
joyments ? — Custom has established their 
i 2 



116 the tarantula; 

pre-eminence, and custom is hut folly ; so 
that we must charge our burthens upon 
folly. — Is it not the acme of folly in our 
rigid moralists to find fault with the nobi- 
lity for converting night into day ; when, 
if i z were to be employed in the ordinary 
manner, their excesses would be less, and 
their progeny so numerous, that the army, 
navy, and even the three learned profes- 
sions, would be blockt up against us ple- 
beians, and no avenue open beyond trade? 
Their vices are the flood-gates of our ho- 
nors, through which one or other of us 
plebeians does, now and then, pop into a 
little preferment ; they are the ichneumons 
which destroy the young crocodiles that 
would otherwise devour us all. 

Mundnngus.- — It is, indeed, happy for 
sis that women of quality only breed, and 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 117 

do not litter like the wives of peasants. 
Pray, do not you think that, in addition 
to the reasons, which you have given for 
their not being so prolific as women of 
the inferior classes, another cause is the 
modern fashion of going half naked. 
When you pass a female, who has been 
caught in a shower in Hyde Park, and 
whose gauze transparency, drenched with 
rain, sticks close to her frame, and leaves 
little or nothing to the imagination, would, 
you not think them — laborantes utero pu- 

€ ll aS * * * * ■# # *•';-* * * 

# # *, ####### $ 4 

Grumblerius. — Poh ! No. It is a coin- 
mon, but no less false, saying, that the 
world is grown worse than ever it was, 



118 the tarantula; 

and one of the instances adduced in proof 
of it is the dress, or rather want of dress, 
of the present race of females. But this 
argument, in our humble opinion, proves 
quite the reverse, and, that we are not 
many removes from the primitive simpli- 
city of the garden of Eden. — " And they 
were both naked, the man and his wife, and 
zvere not ashamed' 3 The bkjsh of shame 
had not then tinged the cheek — it was 
painted solely by the rose of health, for 
which our ladies have been long obliged 
to substitute rouge ; but they seem deter- 
mined now to retrace back their steps to 
those scenes of primitive innocence, when 
it was not conceived that nakedness disco- 
vered aught indelicate, or that it should be 
concealed. 



6m, DANCE OF FOOLS. 1 l§ 

** Then was not guilty shame, dishonest shame, 
" Of nature's works : honour dishonourable 
" Sin bred ! how have ye troubled all mankind, 
** With shews indeed, mere shews of seeming pure, 
c * And banish'd from man's life^ his happiest life, 
" Simplicity, and spotless innocence !" 

Milton. 

This sin-bred shame our modern fair seem 
resolved to banish, and to substitute in its 
place the roses of health, by discarding 
unnecessary cloathing, and case-harden- 
ing themselves to the weather. As the 
fig-leaf was not introduced until the ima- 
gination became corrupt, it must follow 
that the nearer our belles approach to nu- 
dity, the more they approximate to pu- 
rity ! ! !— 

Mundimgus. —You speak ironically now. 

Grumbleriiis. — Pray postpone your 



120 the tarantula; 

inference, until I shall have concluded. 
The grand impediment to marriage, 
namely the female taste for expensive 
dresses, is now about to vanish ; and in pro- 
portion as wedlock increases, illegitimate 
amours, and their unhappy consequences, 
will vanish. Bahaloul, the fool of Haroun 
Alraschid, of whom honorable mention 
has been already made, had a very great 
aversion to marriage, notwithstanding 
which, the caliph insisted on his being 
wedded to a female who was both young 
and handsome, assuring him that he 
would then be perfectly happy. Bahaloul 
submitted ; but the instant he laid down 
by this bride, he jumped out of bed, and 
ran away as if he had been frightened out 
of his senses. The parents of the bride 
complained of this insult to the caliph, 



Or, dance of fools. 121 

who sent for the Jbol, and, in a severe tone, 
demanded the cause of such behaviour. 
^ My lord/' replied Bahaloul, " I have 
nothing to allege against the young wo- 
man ; she is handsome, and may be vir- 
tuous and wise; but the very moment I 
entered the nuptial bed, I thought I heard 
a number of children's voices, one asking 
for a ribband, another for a vest, and ano- 
ther for a robe, that I ran away, in spite 
of your commands and my wife's charms, 
to avoid being more foolish than I am. 
The colds, and other disorders, brought on 
by thin clothing, will prevent all fear of a 
numerous progeny ; and, the expense of 
dress, being done away, prostitution will 
cease ; man's wants will be reduced to a 
little, and knaverv will be no longer a 
trade. We shall be all Adams and Eves. 



122 the tarantula; 

Even the most decried and most pernicious 
of all our amusements (I mean masque- 
rades) tend to this end, as good arises 
out of evil. We still retain some lines of 
a humourous description of one of these 
exhibitions: — 

f< When we enter'd this paradise, judge, my dear madam , 
<x With what pleasure we met our first ancestor,, Adam, 
" Good God ! 'twas so awful to see whence we sprung, 
<c For the dress to his body most prettily clung 5 
4C And, lest his green girdle might pass for dame Eve's> 
" He kept on the fruit, which peep'd out 'twixt the leaves. 

* * * * * * * 
******* 

* * * * * * * 

* * * * * * , * 
C{ Now, as for the women, why nine out of ten 

" So doubtful were clad, you might take them for men 5 

[necks, 
"Till, shrewdly enough, 'twixt their knees and their 
*' For decency sake they discovered their sex," 



OFt, DANCE OF FOOLS. 123 

The arts too will flourish, since we have 

a lady H who will exhibit her naked 

beauties to our sculptors and painters., and 

a lady C C , whose light drapery 

displays the utmost elegance of dress 5 
without concealing an iota of her charms. 
— Eve's birth-day suit was scarcely more 
natural than one of this lady's birth-day 
dresses. — It was a full match for the gar- 
ments of the Lacedaemonian girls, which, 
we are told, discovered more than they 
-concealed. Varro mentions u vitreas 
vestes? glassy garments ; and Horace also 
notices them under the appellation of Caan 
garments, from the island of Coos, where 
the stuff was made : — ■ 

Cois tibi pcene videri est 



Let nudam.- 



Through the Coan vest* 



You see her almost naked.- 



124 the tarantula; 

Menander also mentions those cobweb 
dresses under the appellation of transparent 
vests ; but we cannot conceal that he stig- 
matizes them as the apparel of courtezans. 
— Be they so, our ladies of the present 
day are divested of all those prejudices, 
and readily adopt the fashions set them by 
kept mistresses, opera girls, or actresses. 
There is another cause, flowing from these 
transparent dresses, why nudes are less pro- 
lific than wearers of petticoats. To defend 
themselves against the internal cold, they 
swallow so much British gin — (yes, reader, 
British gin — which is become a most 
fashionable liquor, perhaps from the high 
price of foreign spirits) that almost every 
twentieth house throughout the metropolis 
is a gin shop, which is amply supported by 
the other nineteen, — a drunken man is bad 



OE, DANCE OP FOOLS. 125 

enough, but a drunken woman is every 
thing that is bad. Husband, children, and 
reputation, she will send to the devil for 
gin. If a stop is not put to this pernicious 
practice, the legislature ought to allow 
drunkards to be shut up in a mad-house, 
as they are, in every sense of the word, 
note compotes mentis, incapable of mana- 
ging their affairs, bent on the destruction, 
of their families, and finally on suicide. 

Mundungnis. — Heaven defend me from a 
wife of this description ! As Lucio says in 
Measure for Measure — " married to a 
punk, is pressing to death, whipping, and 
hanging !*' 

Grumblerius. — Pish, man ! 'tis the 
fashion of the day, and it would be better 
for a man to be pressed to death, whipped, 
and hanged, than to be out of the fashion. 



126 THE TARANTULA \ 

A man of the ton, who has attained to the 
scavoir vivre, or living upon terms with the 
world, will rather be obstinately blind to all 
the frailties of his rib, than make an eclat, 
provided some prying chambermaid do not 
espy her amorous tournaments through 
some crack or key hole, and officiously 
divulge them. He is then obliged to open 
his eyes, and expose himself to the jibes 
of liquorish lawyers in Westminster-hall,, 
and the sneer of the swiriish multitude, 
to whom his dishonor is blazoned in a 
half crown short-hand report of the trial,, 
or a sixpenny pamphlet, embellished with 
engravings from life. — -Nay, it often hap- 
pens that, after having thus stamped him- 
self a cockold, his wife will retort the 
charge of adultery upon him, and hold 



©Rj DANCE OP FOOLS. 127 

him fast noosed, in spite of all his strug- 
gles to free himself. I will recite to you 
a little conjugal thrust and parry on this 
head, entitled, 

RETALIATION. 

Cornuto, giv'ii to am'rous strife, 

As was his liq'rish dame ; 
Prizing his honor more than life,. 

Tax'd ma'am with want of shame. 

The fair bore coolly being snubb'd, 

And said — iC My love, have done$; 

'■' You have a dozen cuckold's dubb'd, 
" And I ne'er made but one" 

Mundungus. — There have, indeed, been 
frequent examples of these exhibitions of 
late among the higher ranks, and not a 
few of them among the lower ones. 



] 28 THE TAEANTULA ; 

Grumbleriusi — And how can it be a 
matter of wonder, since Lord Chesterfield, 
that moral guide of the haut ton, particu- 
larly recommends gallantry with married 
women to his own son, as the surest me- 
thod of getting up in the world. Whoever 
would rise among men must kneel to wo- 
men — is now become so trite a maxim that 
it is in the mouth of every boy-peer, and 
is- to-be man of fashion. Their whole clas- 
sical study is the perusal of his lordship's let- 
ters; and the highest ambition of their parents 
is to see them, and their sole aim is to be- 
come, a Chelterfieldian, a mock- moralist, 
and sacrificer at the shrine of self-interest, 
duplicity, and hypocrisy ! 

Mundungus. — Hush, Sir! not such 
harsh epithets on what the world terms the 
scavoir vivre, elegance, politeness, and 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 1 ZQ 

suavity of manners. These things are the 
passports through life, the small current 
coin by means of which our bark glides 
smoothly down the current of life. 

Grumblerius. — You should have said the 
false and debased money with which the 
unwary are deceived ; and those who use 
them are as deserving of infamy as their 
brotherhood, the smashers. Who can read 
with patience the books of a man who 
recommends to his son the arts of flattery, 
deceit, dissimulation, and gallantry, with 
married women, vulgarly termed adultery? 
Indeed, we ought to thank the fair editor 
of these letters (a worthy relation and 
disciple of his lordship) for her intrepidity 
in unmasking the battery of fashion, and 
telling us, in her advertisement to the 2d 
Edition, that c men of the world are not 
VOL* i. K 



130 THE TARANTULA ; 

bound by the same rules of morality by 
which those are who, by the converse of 
the same figure of speech, are called men 
out of the world. 9 We have only to regret 
that his lordship did not complete the inten- 
tion which he announced in another work, 
of publishing a system of ethics for people 
of fashion. The exhibition must have 
been so disgusting to the little worlds that 
they would have been radically cured of 
the disorder of apeing their betters, and 
hold in proper estimation the man, whose 
nearest and dearest scheme was that of 
teaching his son — 

To bend his body in a graceful line, 
To dance, to dress, to drink, and to design - 7 
Who bade his son be crafty as a knave, 
Cringe like a fool, and flatter like a slave. 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 131 

Consult applause, by mean, disgraceful arts $ 
Neglect all principle to show his parts ; — 
Caress the polish'd, spurn the vulgar, race, 
And gull the public with an easy grace. 

It would not signify a straw to the world 
upon what terms these noble fools live with 
one another, if there was not a conta- 
gious spirit of emulation caught from 
them by plebeian fools. — Such a sharp look 
out is kept after fashionable levities by the 
inferior classes, that Deborah Drab, of 
Petticoat Lane, and Fanny Flounce, of 
Smock Alley, will have the very same 
vices as the Duchess of Drenchwell, and 
Baroness Byblow, of Grosvenor Square; 
and cits and counts havq an equal right 
to boast the cuckold's horn. I shall now 
contrast specimens of seeing company in 
high and low life, which will sufficiently 
K 2 



132 the tarantula; 

point out to you the pernicious, baneful 
effects of the former on the latter. No 
sooner has the town become full, than a 
Marchioness or Duchess issues her cards 
for & rout or masquerade, of which she 
gives a regular set at stated periods 
throughout the season. — Her cards will 
be issued for twice as many people as her 
rooms can hold with comfort — for if they 
were not crammed to suffocation, it would 
be voted a complete cut. — You perhaps 
think that these parties are composed of 
intimate friends and acquaintance; and I 
dare say you only consider them as differing 
from a sober whist party, in the country, by 
the immense acquaintance such rank and * 
title must unavoidably have in town. — 
Why, Sir, the lady of the house does not 
know one in twenty of her visitors/ even 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 133 

personally : — she invites them because, 
the Duchess of Farrandiddie, had them 
on her list the preceding week, and it 
would be quite outre, to recognize a face 
at a rout, that you were known to be in 
strict terms of intimacy with. — This renders, 
perhaps, necessary the party of Bow- street 
runners — who form an indispensable part of 
her establishment for the evening: — you 
start, my friend, do not be surprized ! — -'tis 
a fact. — Now what a delicious treat one of 
these fellows must have, who has the 
handing, or handling, a fashionable nude to 
her carriage — as to eating or drinking— 
'twoud be just as easy to procure even a 
biscuit or a wafer here on a full night — - 
<c as to catch a soaped pig by the tall* — - 
Because, though you might be enabled to 
snatch, by great good luck, any such trifle^ 



134 THE TARANTULA; 

the odds are as high against your re- 
taining one, as the other, ivithout you are 
as great an adept in the art of elbowing, 
crossing, and jostling, as a hero of the 
turf. — What a fine school for the morals, 
must such a squeezing assemblage of legs 
and arms exhibit, particularly when we 
call to recollection thefull dress — Oh dear, 
Oh dear ! of a lady of high ton. — Cards 
are introduced here like common gaming 
houses, and the lady of the house is at 
the height of her gratification, if any poor 
Pigeon in the group is plucked of every 
feather at a sitting — the newspapers will 
teem with the anecdote — and if perchance 
a few 7 crim. con. engagements commence 
from that night, and another rival queen, 
who has had the temerity to give a rout 
on the same night, should have her rooms 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 135 

abandoned, whilst her's are crammed to 
suffocation, she is at the acme of her 
wishes ; and after every glass, and brittle 
article of furniture, is broken to shivers, and, 
to crown the whole, not even a pocket 
picked except in an honorable way — noto- 
riety will take her on her wings, and soar to 
where? — where you like my friend. — Now 
for high life below stairs :— Not long since, 
an industrious, honest, simple, tradesman, 
laid his complaint before me in the follow- 
ing strain : — My spouse, who was the 
daughter of a person that enjoyed a place 
in the customs, the income of which he 
spent as he received it, and left little or 
nothing to his family at his decease, has 
a wonderful knack at gentility. Having 
read in the newspapers of the routs, 
dinners, and other entertainments, given 



136 the tarantula; 

by the nobility, she insisted on putting me 
to a vast expense, and inconvenience, in 
clearing my warehouse, that she might 
have room to see company in style. The walls 
were lined with rows of woodden sconces, 
for the reception of ends of wax candles, 
and the beadle of the parish church accom- 
modated us with benches for the occasion* 
and more than two packs of playing cards 
were converted into cards of invitation 
to Mrs. Fig's rout, by writing on the back 
of them. About one hundred persons 
attended, as, according to the old pro- 
verb, " there are always wise folks enough 
to partake of feasts when fools make 
them/' — The rooms were so deliriously, 
thronged, as my wife phrazed it, that 
there was scarcely room to turn ; and the 
heat, .smoke, and smell, occasioned in 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 137 

consequence,, was barely supportable. 
The company, which consisted of bakers* 
butchers, tailors, and other tradesmen, 
like myself, with their wives and children, 
appeared like fish out of their element, 
and gasped for breath, although they 
would not betray their ignorance by shew- 
ing any symptoms of uneasiness under 
what my wife assured them was the tip 
top of fashion. The consequence was, 
that as the company left such a warm bath, 
to walk home, which most of them did, 
there w 7 as never before such a harvest for 
the doctors, of colds, rheums, gouts, and 
defluctions. Many of them were scarcely 
able 5 and my wife among the rest, to stir 
about in their shops for weeks afterwards. 
But this was not the worst of it. — As the 
straitness of tradesmen's houses, and the 



138 THE tarantula; 

want of coaches, were discovered not to 
be adapted to routs at home, my wife 
resolved to have a Fate Sham Peter (Fete 
Champetre) abroad. — After a week spent 
in preparation of ham, fowls, pigeon pies, 
saviloys, bolognas, tongues, — packing up 
hampers of bottled porter, rum, brandy, 
British gin, pipes and tobacco, and pray- 
ing for fair weather, on the appointed day, 
behold it broke out with splendor, and it 
no sooner broke than all were in motion. 
The party, about eighteen in number, 
embarked at London Bridge on board two 
wherries. I will not trouble you with an 
account of our voyage, which ended by 
landing us safely on a lawn at Twicken- 
ham. We presently seated ourselves on 
the grass, spread our cloth, and covered 
it with the contents of the hampers. We 



GE, DANCE OF FOOLS. 13Q 

were entering into all the spirit of our 
excursion, when we were suddenly 
surprized by a mastiff dog, which over- 
threw one of the ladies, sprang into 
the midst of our circle, demolished 
bowls, bottles, glasses, plates, dishes, 
and, seizing a duck, began to tear it 
limb from limb without the least respect 
to persons. The ladies screamed— and 
some fainted, — or pretended to do so, — - 
whilst a footman, belonging to the pro- 
prietor of the lawn, stood at a little dis- 
tance enjoying the confusion, of which 
he had been the instigator, by setting on 
the dog. Some of the gentlemen stripped 
to punish this insolent disturber of our 
harmless mirth> when the master of the 
house appeared. He chid his servant for 
behaving so rudely to decent people, when 



140 THE TARANTULA \ 

he had only given orders to drive away the 
lower order, and behaved so excessively 
polite, in sending orders to his butler and 
housekeeper to supply our loss from his 
own larder and cellar, that our losses were 
quite forgot, and the ladies, my wife 
especially, were enraptured with this 
polished gentleman, as they said he was, 
every inch of him. Our fright was con- 
verted into convivialty, and after our re- 
gale, whilst the men were smoking their 
pipes, the women proposed to stroll round 
the grounds. When it grew dusk, we 
called in the ladies, all of whom appeared, 
except my wife. After searching for her, 
in vain, for nearly an hour, I observed her 
coming out of the house, and ran to 
hasten her into the boat. — I observed that 
her face was rather flushed, and her dress 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 141 

disordered. — She burst out upon me with 
acclamations of praise bestowed on the 
owner of the mansion, who had invited 
her to see the interior of his house, and 
even his bed- room, which was the prettiest 
in the world. She ran on for a minute 
or two more in eulogies on crimson satin 
window curtains, bed furniture, &c. until 
I sternly demanded why she had left the 
other ladies : €€ Lord bless my soul ! why, 
surely, Mr. Fig, you a'n't jealous ?*' she 
pertly exclaimed, reddening at the same 
time. " No, no," rejoined I, ". but it cer- 
tainly was not so decent to trust yourself 
alone with the gentleman in his bed room." 
— " Lord, Mr. Fig, why he is too polite 
to offer any rudeness to me. 11 — " Polite? 
ness," muttered I, u has very little to do 
with this sort of business." — Whether or 



142 THE TARANTULA ; 

not my wife was ashamed of her conduct* 
she prevaricated to the company by pre- 
tending to have strayed in the pleasure 
grounds, (as no doubt she did; whilst I 
endeavoured to cbnceal my chagrin, and 
have never mentioned this adventure to 
any person but yourself. However, I have 
had daily specimens ever since, that my 
wife; despises me, and have often the mor- 
tification of hearing her nightly exclaim — ■ 
in her slumbers — " Fate Sham Peter — Fine 
gentleman — sweet man — ecstatic moments 
— satin bed!" 

Mundungus. — 'Twas a bitter pill for the 
poor cit, and the worse for that his rib 
did not give him an opportunity to gild his 
horns, and soothe him for being " the 
common jest, and scorn, of laughing fools:' 

Gru?nbkrius. — Gold is, in truth, the 



OE, DAXCE OP FOOLS. 143 

cuckold's quietus, from the peer to the 
pastry-cook. Nay, to such a pitch is the 
phrenzy for fashionable follies arrived, 
that there is a continual struggle main- 
tained for precedency through every rank 
from St. James's to Dyot Street. — The 
shopkeeper at the west-end of the town, 
thinks himself far superior to his brother 
on the eastern side of Temple Bar; and 
the haberdashers wife holds up her head 
as much above the butcher's, as the latter 
carries her nose above the small- coal-man's. 
In the country, the squires', parsons', 
lawyers' and doctors', wives, after number- 
less bickerings, and not a few pitched 
battles, at their red cloak, black stocking, 
and patten assemblies, have amiably com- 
pounded with each other to form what is 
called the gentry of the neighbourhood, 



144 THE TARANTULA ; 

and assume as much consequence over the 
farmers' and tradesmens wives, as they 
take upon themselves above their labourers 
and journeymen s» To cap the whole — 
kept mistresses look upon themselves as 
infinitely above the commoners in the pro- 
fession; among whom, the tenant of the 
first floor is superior to the one in the 
parlours ; she to the other in the 2d floor, 
and she again to the street-wanderers. — 

ee Sing tan ta-ra-ra-ra, fools all!"' 

Mundungas. — Surely, the noble flame 
of emulation can never keep itself alive 
in such base minds ? 

Grumblerhis. — No — it is only a bastard 
sort, begotten by pride, the curse of the 
female sex, upon envy, which always 
dwells in little minds. 



OR, DAXCE OF FOOLS. 145 

Mundungns. — Bat I cannot conceive 

how it should ever enter into the heads of 

persons born, nursed, and brought up, in 

the humblest sphere of life, to ape the 

follies of those of the highest ranks. 

Grumblerius. — Nothing easier to solve. 
A bad education is the source of this mad- 
ness, which has ruined thousands of 
families. The modes of education should 
always vary with circumstances; in all 
cases they should tend to teach morality 
and the useful arts — 

But when accomplishment's alone acquired. 
The female mind with vaxihj is nYcL 
Happy the fair! if fortune then befriends 5 
Else infamy, too oft, her steps attends. 
More proud of persona], than ransntal, charms, 
Elate she sees of humble lovers swarms. 

VOJL. I, h 



146 THE TAKANTULA ; 

To beauty^ unpossess'd, she owes her pow'r, 
And mourns its loss, when lost her virgin flow'r. 
To man's seductive arts she falls a prey, 
But 'twas false education pav'd the way. 

Mundungus. — Many of the seminaries 
of education, I am afraid, are more cal- 
culated to do harm than good. Surely a 
question, which involves the welfare of 
the rising generation, is of sufficient im- 
portance for the consideration of our legis- 
lature. 

Grumblerius. — No doubt. Schools are 
of the utmost consequence; but they 
seem to be considered, by the world 
at large, as of no consequence at all. Infi- 
nitely greater pains are bestowed on en- 
quiries into the qualifications of the hair- 
dresser who is to cut Miss's hair, and the 
mantua-maker who is to make Miss's 
frock, than the person to whom the care 



OK, DANCE OF FOOLS. 147 

of her education is to be entrusted. It is 
sufficient that the school be what is term- 
ed a genteel one ; that is to say, sufficiently 
extravagant to induce people of fashion to 
send their children to it. To keep a 
boarding school is the last shift of every 
decayed gentlewoman, who can raise 
money enough to furnish a house, or find 
credit with a broker. Every art is then 
put in requisition to gain pupils, by cajo- 
ling parents, and to increase perquisites. 
To every fond mother that presents herself, 
her own child is, of all the pupils, the 
tallest, best shaped, and docile, pupil. 
She dances divinely, has a pretty knack 
at French, and sings and accompanies 
herself on the piano delightfully. This 
game is repeated toties quoties, and satis- 
fies the fond parents for all the enormous 

L2 



i 



148 THE TARANTULA; 

overcharges in the bill ; for books never 
bough t, paper, pens, needles, thread, 
samplers, <kc. never had ; use of globes, 
and piano, the former of which is so soiled 
and defaced that you could not distinguish 
Great Britain from Prester John's domi- 
nions on it ; nor extract from the latter 
the wretched similitude of a tune! I 
shall now present the reader with a bill of 
a ladies' school in a little village, nearly 
two hundred miles west of London 
which was put into my hands by the mis- 
tress herself, 



OR, DANCE OF FOOLS. 14$ 

I s. d. 
Board, Needle Work, and English 

Instruction, per annum. ..., 16 \Q 

Seat at Church , O 4 

Extras if required. 

Tea, per annum 1 1 

French 3 3 O 

Writing and Arithmetic 1 i 

Dancing , 3 3 O 

Music 6 6 O 

T)rawing. , 3 3 

Entrances. 

To the School , . f . 1 1 O 

Music + ,...., 1 3 O 

Drawing 10 6 

Dancing \ O 10 6 

French. , k O pO G 

Institutes. 

To bring towels, knife and fork, tea-spoon, tea-cwp 
and saucer, and a tumbler. 

Young Ladies who continue at School Midsummer 

and Christmas, to pay two guineas and half 

each Vacation. 

A -quarters notice at leaving School, or^i quarter's 

board 5 and if absent during any quarter, half that 

quarter is charged. 

*+* Bills to be paid at the Vacations. 



150 THE TARANTULA ; 

There are, besides, many other smaller 
wheels which add to the movement, and in 
the end double, or nearly treble, the origi- 
ginal terms. And after all this expense, 
what do the parents get for it? — A pert, 
conceited hoyden, who spells badly, writes 
worse, scarcely knows one figure- of arith- 
metic from another, jabbers about half a 
dozen disjointed sentences in bad French, 
horribly pronounced, murders time and 
tune in music, and jumps through a reel 
or country dance. But there is another, 
and a worse, circumstance resulting from 
these Preparatory Schools, which is, that 
they often prove Preparatory steps to a 
Bagnio. This arises from the vanity of 
inferior tradesmen and mechanics, who 
will have their children genteely educated. 
Every village in the vicinity of the metro- 



OR, DANCE OP FOOLS. 151 

polis swarms with these schools, with a 
sign over the door, cc Young ladies board- 
ed and educated." Nay, I've heard, and 
doubt not that it might have been a fact, 
that one of these mistresses, more igno- 
rant than common, actually exhibited a 
board, on which was inscribed, " young 
ladies bored here." Hither the daughters 
of the alehouse- keeper, shoemaker, tailor* 
and blacksmith, are sent, as well as those 
of the 'squire, parson, lawyer, doctor, 
and independent people of the neigh- 
bourhood, and from the moment they 
enter the talismanic walls of the school, 
the former are metamorphosed into young 
ladies. That there should be a difference 
between the plan of schools for the off- 
spring of gentry and working people, the 
swarm of unhappy females will evidently 



]3& THE TARANTULA ; 

prove ; but this is so far from being the 
case that the daughter of the green-grocer 
or small-coal man is as much a young lady 
as the daughter of a rich baronet ; and to 
preserve the climax, the mistress discards 
that vulgar appellation, and ascends into 
the rank of governess. It matters not a 
pin's head whether she knows her right 
hand from her left, as extra masters are 
hired to teach the children, and a heavy 
tax is laid on the folly of parents. But 
it ends not there. When the green-gro- 
cer, or small-coal man takes his young 
lady from school, he, perhaps, has the 
additional Jolly to imagine that his daugh- 
ter will weigh potatoes, or measure a bush- 
el of coal. No such thing. Ignorant of 
every thing that she ought to know, she 
will be so grounded in the lesson of pride 



153 

and vanity, that she will despise shop, 
soap, candles, cabbages, coals, and bundles 
of wood, and elope (a fashionable board- 
ing school term) with the first man who 
solicits her, and wears a genteel appear- 
ance. On the contrary, had she been 
sent to a school where the only arts and 
sciences taught were plain work, reading, 
writing, and arithmetic, and some articles 
of good housewifery, she would have 
stuck to her shop, been a relief and com- 
fort to her parents, and passed through 
life with ease and credit, instead of being 
a pest and nuisance to society. 

Mundungus. — With false education, 
transparent dresses, and British gin, it is, 
indeed, no wohder that female reputation 
is at so low an ebb. 



154 the tarantula; 

Grumblerius. — Why it is thought 
scarcely worthy of attention. The loss 
of her character will not cost a 
fashionable lady, of the present day, 
one - tenth of the sighs and tears that 
the straying of a pug-dog would occa- 
sion. A woma :, who should be detected 
in & faux pas, and should lament her folly 
to her bosom friend, would only get 
laughed at for her prudish qualms, like the 
frail one, of whom take the following 
story: — 

A wife (whose husband was at sea) 
Had., in her conduct, been so free, 

That Scandal blew her trumpet. 
The neighb'ri ng prudes soon took alarm — 
-Good natur d souls! — -they meant no harm, — 

They only csiiYd her— £ 'trumpet! 



OK, .DANCE OF FOOLS. W& 

^In grief, to bosom friend she hy'd, 
Lamented much, and sobb'd, and cry r d, 

For character so hack'd on : 
" Poh !" cried the friend, " do not be griev'd, 
tc Your character, if ne'er retriev'd, 

" At best was but — a crack' d -one" 

When detected and exposed adultery is 
softened down into a publicity in love 
affairs, what woman will be so foolish as 
to trouble herself about reputation, which 
formerly cost such infinite pains to keep, 
being prized as an inestimable jewel, but 
now considered only as a drug ? A diamond 
is precious only by common assent ; and, 
by common assent, reputation is quite out 
of date. Where women, of themselves, 
weaken the barriers of virtue, men will 
always be ready to overleap them. No 
wonder, then 



356 THE TARANTUIA; 

*' Oh, wretched husband ! while she "hangs about thee, 
€C With idle blandishments, and plays the fond one: 
<c Even then her hot imagination wanders, 
<c Contriving riot, and loose 'scapes of love j £ster." 
<c And while she clasps thee close, makes thee a mon- 

INTo wonder that crim. con. is the rage, 
and that John Bull is the appellation, by 
the lump of horned nobles, as well as 
horned cits. No wonder that matrimony 
is only a Dutch medley, performed for 
the amusement of friends, neighbours, 
-and often of the grinning mob, in the fol- 
lowing style: — 

Sometimes harmony and concord — 
Two soft flutes in concert playing; 

Sometimes jarring, noise and discord — - 
Fighting dogs, and asses braying. 

Oft, in fond endearment sitting, 
One will grant, if t'other ask it ; 

Oftentimes, each other twitting — 
Two cats snarling in a basket. 



OK, DANCE OP FOOLS. 15/, 

On each other's neck oft hanging — 
Lambkins playing, turtles billing 5 

Oftentimes each other banging — 
Bedlamites, and hogs a killing. 



END OF VOL, I. 



J. F. HUGHES, Printer, 
5, Wigmore Street, 



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